Lately I’ve been considering my future here in Japan. I know, I know, I think a lot all the time. This time around it’s different though. I was discussing career paths with one of my friends and how we’d like to head abroad to experience life overseas – NYC, HK or other parts of the world. I know for sure that I don’t want to end up stuck here just because of my stubborn character.

This city is amazing. I have learnt so much from the last couple of years. The country had just been a holiday destination for me for so many years – a place where my relatives were, a place to chill out and just let everyone else take care of me. Now, it’s where I work, live and feel incredibly stressed out all the time. The gloss has started to rust. From the first month things really didn’t go according to plan, but I thought, ‘hey, that’s life. That’s the adventure I wanted!’ I have no regrets in moving here. I have grown and developed a lot from the various turmoils. But. But, there is so much regret that I feel. Regret that I didn’t pursue those opportunities. Regret that I am not even half the man I want to be.

Anyway, back to the main just of this entry. I don’t war to run away. I want to leave knowing that I have achieved all that I can here. I also know that ode I leave I probably won’t be back – or at least for a very long time. That means one thing. Give up on my dreams here and god new ones abroad. On a deeper note, it also means the probability of an international, non-native marriage increases. I think I need that native other half to keep me in check. I need it also to teach my kids our culture; the side of me that has been distorted by growing up abroad. However much I tell myself I am internationalised, I am still very much a national of this country.

To be honest. I had ulterior motives to come here. Other than work, I wanted to discover myself. I wanted what I had ignored for so long. I have yet o ahieve those things. That is probably why I will most likely stick around… I am stubborn afterall.

** Day 1 14:30. **

Arrived in Amman. I had a walk around the city without really knowing where to go but I managed to find the tourist info. The guy there kept saying ‘welcome to Jordan’ whenever I said thank you. Anyway, saw the very impressive amphitheatre and gazed up at the citadel on the hill. Ended up walking back to the hotel though. Hungry, tired and I seem to still have hayfever here! Dammit!

Anyways, it’s still like 2pm. Think I’ll take it easy in my room for a bit and then head out a lil later. I’m here again for a while on the last day I think too. Only thing I know of at the moment is the citadel and the new museum that opened.

But yea, can’t get that comment out of my head. Do people say that if they’re kidding? ‘w’ is such a vague thing, difficult to tell if it’s meant to be read as a joke or something uplifting. I keep thinking I should have replied with a better comment than ‘I’ll send you a postcard’, so stupid! I should have said, 「本当にいいのそんなこと言っちゃって？電話しちゃうかもよ」or something equally smooth but yet portraying my gratitude and feeling.

I come half way round the world to sit in my room and tap out the same thoughts I have in Tokyo… I am insane.

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** Day 2 07:08. **

I feel absolutely knackered this morning. My mind is a bit out of it too but my body is aching; i guess it’s the long flight and prob the non-work thing causing all the tension to seep out.

Anyways, met the group yesterday… Well those that had arrived. They seem a nice bunch. Looks like I’ll be the youngest again. If you’re wondering – there wasn’t anyone interesting in that sense. So much for eye candy! I am such a chauvanistic pig – not sure if that’s how you use that word. But yea, seriously have to sort that part of my life out. I really do need to stop with the unreachable and fall for someone obtainable yet just as good. Hmm, that didn’t sound right. You know what i mean though right? No boyfriends, no complications, just plain ole fashioned boy meets girl and magic happens kind of thing!

Back to reality. It’s 7am, today we are heading to Jaresh, or some place starting with J. Going to be an hour drive and then a couple hours of walking around to take in the sights. Yesterday was a start but the real deal starts today! …best get ready, grab breakfast and all that

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** Day 2 21:59. **

Had a fabulous day exploring the exceptionally well preserved Roman ruins at Jaresh. We heard the distinctly Scottish influenced bagpipes of Jordanian music. Walked through the columned colonade and saw amazing theatres.

I was privileged to have lunch with three other girls whose conversation topics ranged from pick ip lines to plastic surgery, accents and underwear. I wad pretty much speechless throughout!

The evening we dined at a place called books@cafe which was an eclectic modern cafe / lounge place with good western food. I had shisha for the first time since graduating uni and let me tell you, it was sooo good. Clean pipes, smooth, silky, deliciously mellowing! Mmm.

Anyway, pretty content to fall asleep now!

One last episode. I had a missed call from home; I was slightly worried as I knew they wouldn’t call as they knew I was abroad. After killing my bank balance with data roaming, I checked my mail to find out that they didn’t know I was away already! My mum got the answer machine and thought the Jordanian Arabic message was Russian! Hilarious!

But yea, tomorrow we head to the Dead Sea! Gawd, wish I hadn’t slackened off with my beer gut and weedy arms! Eugh!

Still thinking…no answers yet though…

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** Day 3 22:27. **

Dead sea. Citadel. Irish pub. Hellish cab ride.

Today was spent mostly relaxing by the dead sea. It was an extraordinary experience to just float on water without effort but i was also very aware that my body was just not used to that feeling with my abdominal muscles tort the entire time.

Anyway, saw a group of young Japanese girls there. It’s strange how in the same way as moths are drawn to flames, people are drawn to other people of similar backgrounds. The funny thing is that I’m not exactly your typical Japanese. I don’t look japanese, I don’t really act it and I definitely wasn’t brought up in that sort of environment. However, I still like Japanese girls. Maybe it’s lower standards in my part, or maybe it’s just that japan has more beautiful women, but I find a lot more eye catching Japanese girls than western women. Having said that my standards are high so in terms of dateable rating they wouldn’t quite hit it.

Anyway, back on track. After the Dead Sea, we had a massive barbecue lunch, which consisted of humus, and other dips with pita bread followed by a wrap style mixed grill. Very tasty!

The citadel was very interesting but what really caught my attention was the view. Although hazy with all the dust, the view over the city was breathtaking. A little rudhed for time but a wonderful experience.

The evening we went into the modern city centre with the shopping colonade lined with western brands such as Zara, Adidas, etc Dinner was a light affair with a wrap at a local Lebanese style fast food joint. The night was rounded off at s smelly smokey Irish pub.

To get to the city centre we took a cab again. This totally pissed me off. Crammed 4 in the back seat with be singled out for slaughter; I had to hang on to the handle above the door and float above the seat as there was literaly no room. I really don’t know why he didn’t just ask for another cab. It’s ridiculous how much money I spent on this trip and he skimps out on these little things. A lot of bad thoughts went through my head during that agonising few minutes.

I don’t know if it’s just coz I was tired or coz I’m no linger used to European beer but the Amstel was difficult to drink. I started missing my Premium Malts. Ah well…

** Day 4. **

Mt Nebo
Church
Wadi Al Mujib Dam
Al Karaj Castle

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** Day 5. **

Petra horseride
Treasury
Tombs
Amphitheatre
Royal tombs
Church
Monastry
View at the End of the world
The great temple
High place of sacrifice
Petra. By Night – candle lit walk to the Treasury

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** Day 6. **

Visitor centre
Wadi rum
Jeep safari
Night walk

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** Day 7. **

Aqaba
Glass boat
Free dinner due to ’slow service’
Mosquitto bitten face

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** Day 8. **

Drive to Amman
Books@cafe

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** Day 9 08:20. **

The last couple of days have been tough physically. After a night un the desert my face and my right hand was littered with mosquito bites. Knowing that I am incredibly alergic to these bites makes me feel incredibly stupid for not using the mosquito net provided . Anyway, that totally sapped my energy, which was not helped when I started throwing up at 3am the following morning. Maybe it’s totally unrelated or maybe it was but having had 10+ bites my body prob was not in the best state. I felt queezy for the entire day yesterday with cold shivers and a feverish temperature; not the nicest way to wrap up my vacation. I just hope it’s not serious and has no lasting affects.

My flight back home is in the afternoon today so I plan to stay in bed until my late checkout – that’s at least another 4 hours before I have to move.

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** The Summary. **

This trip has been an eye-opener to Jordan and the whole Arabic region. This country is probably one of the more liberalised and westernised but it has given me a gear insight into this part of the world. I hope to return to the Middle East at some point in the future.

I had minimal knowledge of this country, the people, or even the places I would be visiting. Part of me is glad I didn’t read up anything as I had no preconceptions; from the bustling city life of Amman to the traditional simple lifestyle of the Bedouins in the depths of the desert, I was moved at every point.

I thought the only highlight before the trip would be Petra but I was very wrong. The jeep ride into the Wadi Rum desert, the spectacular Roman ruins at Jaresh, the strange sensation of floating in the Dead Sea… So many memories.

I can understand the reluctance to visit such a volatile part of the world but from my experience over the past week, i have probably felt a lot safer on this trip than even travelling in the States or South America. Jordan is safe. I really would recommend this place as a destination to visit.

At times I feel like broadcasting my inner thoughts and feelings to the entire world. Sometimes a 140 character limit is not enough, even if there is no limit on the number of times you take advantage of that.

I’ve been wondering whether this ‘alias’ and having this split identity is worth the trouble. I mean, admittedly there are people in my life that I don’t want to share some things with, but then again there are some topics that I do want to share.

I’m very reserved so it’s difficult to bring up in conversation directly bit through the net it seems easier. On one hand I want people to know the real me, but on the other hand it would be great of these mags could have guarantees delivery to the right people. However, the net is not a courier service, nor a telepathic medium.

Not quite sure what I’m trying to say here. I guess, 1. I feel disconnected at times. 2. I wish I could connect better with this world. 3. Am I becoming increasingly reclusive / lacking enthusiasm / losing my drive to grow? … Or something like that ;p

I am bottling up too much stress and frustration lately. I am really on the edge. Seriously, one word, one small motion and I think Iight go insane.

Work is really not as satisfying as it used to be; my Omikuji from the new year and my life don’t seem to match. I do not feel lucky and I do not feel that sticking this out will do any good for me.

My soul and body are overflowing with stress and fatigue. I don’t know if it’s just my state of mind but my heart is going it’s own way. Maybe it’s delusional, and it’s more likely just a channel for my messed up life but these precious rays of light are keeping me going. Small distractions are keeping me grounded.

Valentines is coming up soon. I said that I wished it would hurry up and be March, but in all honesty I just want to be able to enjoy the day without negative emotions – resentment, loneliness and sadness.

Anyway, tonight I had dinner with some friends – Chinese hot pot. It was actually really tasty! It had all sorts of mushrooms, cabbage, herbs and spices. A welcome and much needed distraction from life.

My head is too full.

The escape to ME cannot come sooner. Only a month. I await miracles.

Still dreaming… Scratch that. make that a nightmare.

Life isn’t quite how I imagined it. There’s no glamour, no slow motion sequences, no daredevil stunts; this person’s ain’t in a movie for sure.

You all know I’m not the most talkative of people. My life is a constant frustration of missed opportunities and I-should-have-done-that moments.

Anyway, yesterday we finally had our belated New Year “party”… Or more like dinner with a few friends from work. I had a great time and I feel really lucky to have such good friends. The problem is I can’t hang out with these people all the time; I wish I could but they all have their own lives, right.

I’m going to say it straight out. I need someone to talk to other than my god damn computer and the, admittedly fantabulous, Internet. I apparently have a knack for not saying what I mean or more accurately, withholding the truth.

Resolution: find someone that I can talk to. Find someone that makes my flaws look like qualities. Find life outside of this damn life draining office!

Seriously, I just want to be married and be done with this whole finding your soulmate / love-of-your-life thing! Give me more important challenges to deal with!! This one ain’t so enjoyable!

I Phone

So, I gave in to the masses and got myself the evil procrastination device. It has so many flaws yet the fact that I can surf the net anywhere easily is simply the major draw.

• fiddly keyboard.
• no infrared.
• no RFID
• poor battery life

These are just some of the flaws I’ve encountered over the past few days.

Infrared data transfer is the main way to exchange phone numbers in Japan; without it you’ll be outcast and forgotten. You won’t find many people willing to manually input their details.

The second thing is the RFID; things like the integrated “Suica” (cf Oystercard) and other contactless payment methods is a real minus.

Anyway, I plan to switch my old phone to a diferent network – one with better reception than Softbank. A second phone for calls, Suica and infrared. … Gadgets keep me living.

Happy New Year everyone!!

So, it’s finally 2010 and I can say good riddance to 2009. 2009 was undoubtedly a year to forget. Looking back, there were few moments I really enjoyed and the year in general was littered with downs more than ups.

For me personally, 2009 will always be remembered as the year my grandfather passed away. A man I greatly respected and loved dearly. He was incredibly intelligent, sharp and truly remarkable. I would be happy if I could become half the man he was.

On a larger scale, 2009 was a tough year economically and an unsettled year at work. Ripples from the fall of 2008 were still being felt and the company I work for was still in the midst of figuring out where to go. Work did not really pick up until the fall of 2009, but once it did, there was no stopping it. A 6 day week was becoming the norm and myself commuting to work right up to the 31st.

Anyway, so, putting aside all the drama of 2009. I feel 2010 will be a lot better.

Unplugged

So, my phone ran out of battery soon after the clock struck midnight; the worst possible timing in my mind. I had so many mails to send to so many people to wish them a happy new year but that all had to wait. With my charger a few hundred km away, I had to spend a whole day without a phone. An incredibly surreal situation. I survived. It made me realise I really do need to step away from my phone, from my computer, from technology on occasion. In the totally plugged in world of today, it was a great relief to not constantly be flipping my phone open only to realise all that awaited me was the wallpaper.

However, pnce home, phone charged up and switched on, it was somewhat depressing to find that I only had two or three mails in my inbox. Maybe the mails don’t get delivered if your phone is switched off for too long? That’s a more comforting thought than the realisation that the people I was thinking of, the people I would have sent mails to if my phone had any juice, were not thinking of me. … or maybe they just ran out of phone battery too! Ah well, it ain’t 2012 and the end of the world just yet …

Change

As last year drew to a close I thought I needed to change; I thought I needed to change my way of thinking, change my actions, become more active. You know, grasp my life by the scruff of the neck and push myself towards that elusive happiness. However, I decided that that isn’t the correct course of action.

New Year means visiting the shrine. It’s called Hatumoude 初詣 and is the first visit to the shrine of the new year. At the shrine, I usually do an omikuji – last year’s oracle wasn’t so good with it being a hankichi 半吉, one of the lowest blessings. This year I got daikichi 大吉, which is the greatest blessing one can get.

So, with my great blessing came the words of wisdom telling me not to rush into changing… to stick out a little longer with what I have now and everything will work out fine. It said, any change will end badly and to keep doing what I’ve been doing. For health, it said everything will be fine. For love, it stated that things will come together in the near future… all in all it gave me hope. It may be just a piece of paper to most people but to me, it is a shining light of hope. With the prophecies more often that not ending up reflecting reality, it is hard not to take in the words at some level. Maybe it’s psychology. Maybe by reading something and believing it, it becomes true. Then again, if I read good things all the time… it doesn’t make my life any better. Anyway, I am going to make this year, my year. Bring it on!

It’s been a while since my last blog entry. I’ve been trying to keep a low profile lately. My attempts to steer myself towards a less stress filled lifestyle has not really been achieved. On the contrary, the busy days literally and imaginary have made me ill again.

The realisation that I get ill a lot is worrying. I hear a lot of people saying they never get ill, or haven’t been ill for years… I used to think I was one of them. Unfortunately, that’s far beyond the case. I seem to be ill at least a few times a year; sometimes in the form of mild fatigue, sometimes full on fever. On this occasion, I forced this on myself.

Year-end. It’s the time of year when there’s a lot of parties, drinks, events and so forth. This year, it’s also extremely busy work-wise. Admittedly I don’t do that much over-time, but I have had to work 6 days a week a lot lately. Feeling below average is just cannot figure. Denial of the cold weather, denial of feeling a little unwell. Going out with no jacket when the temperature was close to freezing. What started off as a slightly sore throat turned into a chest infection, runny nose and muscle ache.

Anyway, after attempting to recover by taking a half day… I marched in to work on Monday morning… only to be told to go to the clinic, and if I insisted on working, to work from the other office – the one that’s near empty. I was banished. The result of which, I was persuaded to take a day off work. So, along with the national holiday (Emperor’s birthday), I’ve been resting at home for the last couple of days. I have not stepped one foot out of the house, nor have I got out of my pjs. Do I feel better? Maybe. Then again, it’s prob all the drugs I’m on.

The Bounenkai Season

Bounenkai – literally a gathering to forget the past, otherwise known as the year-end party. I held my own bounenkai / christmas / birthday party last week; invited a few friends and booked out a snazzy little bar.

It ended up being a little different to what I imagined; the guest list was mostly made up of friends from work and a few key members weren’t able to attend. I don’t really know what I was expecting. I did have a great time catching up with old friends, and hanging out with workmates outside of the office. …but… something was missing.

I have yet to truly feel the Christmas spirit since I moved here. It’s just so different. No family gathering. No Christmas turkey. No presents under the tree. It’ll be just another day at work.

Now that I’m back from my self-imposes exile. I guess I’ll be writing another post around year-end/new-year. I’ll most likely reflect on a year sprinkled with a few memorable moments and showered with all sorts of lows.

Merry Christmas everyone! I truly wish you have a wonderful festive season!

まじ、だせー！なんでさ、あんなに友達が俺のこと興味見せてるのに、超詰まらない行動ばっかするの？色々質問とか聞かれてさ、趣味とか好みとかさ、正直の答えろよ！てか、趣味何なの？料理とか言ったけどさ、最近してねえし。テニスとかサッカーだって趣味というか運動だし。週末といえば、フェースブック拝見したり、本読んだり、テレビ見たり。洗濯。掃除。アイロン掛け。

まじ、俺の週末はもっとさ、旅行とか、ドライブ、買物とかしてぇ！

一面しかない俺は詰まらない人間でござります。はしゃがないしな、日々どんどん真面目になってしまってる。

好きな食べ物：　日本カレー、インドカレー、パドタイ、ファヒータ、チーズ、など
好きなデザート：　ストロベリーショートケーキ、ティラミス
好きなスポーツ：　テニス、サッカー
好きな和曲：　コブクロ、キマグレン、Soulja、Ｙｕｉ、Ｅｌｌｅｇａｒｄｅｎ、
好きな洋曲：　Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, AC/DC, Five For Fighting, Twista, Feeder

外見：　ロング・ストレートヘア、笑顔、
中身：　会話が合う人。英語が話せる。自分をちょっとひっぱてくれる人。やさしい人。ちょっとおっちょこちょい。

って感じ。。。

恋は一生一度。。。なのかね？

Osananajimi covers such a broad age that it could quite as easily apply to primary school friends as well as to those who’ve you’ve know your entire life.

All my life I’ve been told that it’s incredibly rare to have osananajimi from such an early age. I have known how lucky I am to have such a person in my life.

Yesterday I had a rediscovery of sorts.. a revelation if you will. There is another. I met a friend yesterday that I hadn’t seen for over half a decade. It is a mystery why some friendships come and go… connections are lost and found. However, true friends will always remain true friends. However old you get, whatever changes you may go through, these people in your life will still see you as you. The sudden realisation that I had known this person for close to 20 years was just mind blowing.

Anyway, that’s really all I have to say.

In my current lifestyle where true friends are hard to come by, I really do cherish these old connections… reminders of my childhood, reminders of home

It is difficult to be so frank about such things these days – people tend to judge, misinterpret and twist things to paint a picture which is far from my intention. To me, having an osananjimi means having the deepest and most undescribable connection you can have with a person. And, it’s nothing to do with crossing lines or changing perspectives at all.

Hope that makes sense…

It’s 3am and I’m wide awake. It doesn’t help that this week I’m on morning support so a good night’s sleep would have been preferable; then again, a good night’s sleep any night would be way better than being awake at this time of day.

Anyway, I had no idea it would be so stuffy this early in the morning, nor that there would be so many cars out on the road already. Where are people off to?

Not that I don’t have enough time to do this already, but it gave me time to think things through. Admittedly, I ended up thinking in circles, drifting off on tangents and generally not reaching any conclusions on anything. Oh well.

I just realised I tag my post with “Stress” the most. I will skip tagging this one with that despite mentioning it

My mind is screwed up at the moment. I think I reached my limit of this whole single life thing. I mean despite not exactly living the wild life… or maybe because I’m not living the wild life… there’s something missing. Stupid wedding signs amongst other things. I think that’s really hit a never lol.

Ok, ok, let’s objectify this…

marriage, late 20s, early 30s
engagement, a few months
know the person / go out, year+
unconfusing myself, forever

Dammit, it’s 4am.

I once read somewhere… I think it was actually last night from the book I was reading…. teens is when you dream anything can happen… 20s is when you still believe in your dreams but understand that you might have to wait… and 30s is when reality hits and realise dreams don’t always come true…

Time to attempt to sleep.