Life isn’t quite how I imagined it. There’s no glamour, no slow motion sequences, no daredevil stunts; this person’s ain’t in a movie for sure.

You all know I’m not the most talkative of people. My life is a constant frustration of missed opportunities and I-should-have-done-that moments.

Anyway, yesterday we finally had our belated New Year “party”… Or more like dinner with a few friends from work. I had a great time and I feel really lucky to have such good friends. The problem is I can’t hang out with these people all the time; I wish I could but they all have their own lives, right.

I’m going to say it straight out. I need someone to talk to other than my god damn computer and the, admittedly fantabulous, Internet. I apparently have a knack for not saying what I mean or more accurately, withholding the truth.

Resolution: find someone that I can talk to. Find someone that makes my flaws look like qualities. Find life outside of this damn life draining office!

Seriously, I just want to be married and be done with this whole finding your soulmate / love-of-your-life thing! Give me more important challenges to deal with!! This one ain’t so enjoyable!

I Phone

So, I gave in to the masses and got myself the evil procrastination device. It has so many flaws yet the fact that I can surf the net anywhere easily is simply the major draw.

• fiddly keyboard.
• no infrared.
• no RFID
• poor battery life

These are just some of the flaws I’ve encountered over the past few days.

Infrared data transfer is the main way to exchange phone numbers in Japan; without it you’ll be outcast and forgotten. You won’t find many people willing to manually input their details.

The second thing is the RFID; things like the integrated “Suica” (cf Oystercard) and other contactless payment methods is a real minus.

Anyway, I plan to switch my old phone to a diferent network – one with better reception than Softbank. A second phone for calls, Suica and infrared. … Gadgets keep me living.

まじ、だせー！なんでさ、あんなに友達が俺のこと興味見せてるのに、超詰まらない行動ばっかするの？色々質問とか聞かれてさ、趣味とか好みとかさ、正直の答えろよ！てか、趣味何なの？料理とか言ったけどさ、最近してねえし。テニスとかサッカーだって趣味というか運動だし。週末といえば、フェースブック拝見したり、本読んだり、テレビ見たり。洗濯。掃除。アイロン掛け。

まじ、俺の週末はもっとさ、旅行とか、ドライブ、買物とかしてぇ！

一面しかない俺は詰まらない人間でござります。はしゃがないしな、日々どんどん真面目になってしまってる。

好きな食べ物：　日本カレー、インドカレー、パドタイ、ファヒータ、チーズ、など
好きなデザート：　ストロベリーショートケーキ、ティラミス
好きなスポーツ：　テニス、サッカー
好きな和曲：　コブクロ、キマグレン、Soulja、Ｙｕｉ、Ｅｌｌｅｇａｒｄｅｎ、
好きな洋曲：　Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, AC/DC, Five For Fighting, Twista, Feeder

外見：　ロング・ストレートヘア、笑顔、
中身：　会話が合う人。英語が話せる。自分をちょっとひっぱてくれる人。やさしい人。ちょっとおっちょこちょい。

って感じ。。。

恋は一生一度。。。なのかね？

It’s 3am and I’m wide awake. It doesn’t help that this week I’m on morning support so a good night’s sleep would have been preferable; then again, a good night’s sleep any night would be way better than being awake at this time of day.

Anyway, I had no idea it would be so stuffy this early in the morning, nor that there would be so many cars out on the road already. Where are people off to?

Not that I don’t have enough time to do this already, but it gave me time to think things through. Admittedly, I ended up thinking in circles, drifting off on tangents and generally not reaching any conclusions on anything. Oh well.

I just realised I tag my post with “Stress” the most. I will skip tagging this one with that despite mentioning it

My mind is screwed up at the moment. I think I reached my limit of this whole single life thing. I mean despite not exactly living the wild life… or maybe because I’m not living the wild life… there’s something missing. Stupid wedding signs amongst other things. I think that’s really hit a never lol.

Ok, ok, let’s objectify this…

marriage, late 20s, early 30s
engagement, a few months
know the person / go out, year+
unconfusing myself, forever

Dammit, it’s 4am.

I once read somewhere… I think it was actually last night from the book I was reading…. teens is when you dream anything can happen… 20s is when you still believe in your dreams but understand that you might have to wait… and 30s is when reality hits and realise dreams don’t always come true…

Time to attempt to sleep.

Sometimes 140 characters aren’t quite enough to express that momentary feeling or thought.

You know, watching tv, isn’t as mind sapping as people think, sometimes your mind can go places! How to know what someone else is thinking?

Anyway, I need to be a little more forward, a little more proactive, a little more fight! As the guy on the screen jsut said “it’s not a bad thing to fight and have that gap between the real you and the one you want to be…” or something like that anyway :p

erm yeah, ok, apparently tv is bad for your brain… I can’t think of what the point of this blog entry was…

I feel incredibly lost and confused. I wouldn’t say depressed or sad and I don’t really want to put a negative spin on this feeling but it is a complicated mirage of feelings.

Anything and anyone can be misunderstood or misinterpreted and that is definitely the last thing I want.

I went to Hong Kong for a weekend and returned feeling incredibly refreshed but within a few days work stress had returned to critical levels and to add to all the mess in my head, everyone is cross examining my life. To be honest, I really like that people are taking an interest in me, but it has made me consider my situation a lot. Thinking can be incredibly tiring sometimes.

I have walked through a million scenarios over the past god knows how long but the frustrating thing is that none of the scenarios lead anywhere helpful.

I know how it looks. I know how it really is – on my side at least. I know what I want. I just don’t know how to tie all those things together and make it happen.

I realised a few days back that I should be more honest with myself and others. Even after realising how guarded I am over this stuff, it is so difficult to just come out and be open about such things.

I’m not sure what else to say. Some people may say I’m still young. Some people may say that I’m still so pure, innocent or even naive. Sometimes I just wish that someone would just sort things out for me. I seem to be missing some guts.

why why why why why why why why

I seem to have let Twitter overrun my blogging for the past couple of weeks. It’s just so easy to send a short snapshot of my current state than a long winded emotional splurge on the ups and downs of my life.

I went out with a few friends tonight to Trader Vic’s tonight. Tonight really would be the last time I’d see them (until October). I said at the end that I wasn’t at all emotional about the whole goodbye thing but as soon as I started walking down the street, the emotion just washed over me. The entire journey home I felt utterly lost and confused. I’ve been asked so many times whether I’m looking forward to leaving… and every time I can never say “yes”. There is just too much I’m leaving behind to make it a comfortable farewell.

I think I’m more scared than anything else. The fear of the unknown. The fear of leaving everything familiar behind. I really do not know what I should be feeling right now.

Even though I knew I had to wake up for 8am this morning it didn’t help; today, my boxes were being picked up to be shipped to Tokyo. I was told that the van would arrive sometime between 8am and 5pm – it arrived at 7:40. I was not happy.

After having a free bar last night and subsequently not a particularly early night, I was awoken at 5am by a text message from a mate. He’s in bloody India… anyway, I then get a call from the van driver telling me he’s just down the road and it’s not even between the hours specified!

My boxes were pretty much thrown into the van, which caused a bit of worry. I’m hoping all the newspaper padding and the bubble-wrap, etc will be enough to protect the glass, crockery, break-able stuff. *fingers crossed*

Anyway, after a brief flirt with going back to bed, and against my better judgement, I decided to get up properly… it’s been about an hour… I’m struggling to stay awake

Friday
I had one of those moments during the exam yesterday. I sat down and realised my bladder may not last the two hours – quenching thirst can be counter-productive on occasion. Fortunately my bladder did not explode. Unfortunately, worse was to come. As soon as the exam started and I read the first question, my mind went blank – a total pure white. The question was one of those compare and contrast two differing concepts but I could not remember a single thing about one of the concepts. Anyway, after muddling through the first question by continuing to refer to only one of the concepts, I was more successful for the remainder of the paper.

On completion of the third of the required questions, I remembered my initial blanking and thought I’d read through the question again – no luck, my mind still drew a blank. At that point, I considered whether this was due to the pressures of the exam or whether I had really failed to revise that topic.

Oh well… two left