Lately I’ve been considering my future here in Japan. I know, I know, I think a lot all the time. This time around it’s different though. I was discussing career paths with one of my friends and how we’d like to head abroad to experience life overseas – NYC, HK or other parts of the world. I know for sure that I don’t want to end up stuck here just because of my stubborn character.

This city is amazing. I have learnt so much from the last couple of years. The country had just been a holiday destination for me for so many years – a place where my relatives were, a place to chill out and just let everyone else take care of me. Now, it’s where I work, live and feel incredibly stressed out all the time. The gloss has started to rust. From the first month things really didn’t go according to plan, but I thought, ‘hey, that’s life. That’s the adventure I wanted!’ I have no regrets in moving here. I have grown and developed a lot from the various turmoils. But. But, there is so much regret that I feel. Regret that I didn’t pursue those opportunities. Regret that I am not even half the man I want to be.

Anyway, back to the main just of this entry. I don’t war to run away. I want to leave knowing that I have achieved all that I can here. I also know that ode I leave I probably won’t be back – or at least for a very long time. That means one thing. Give up on my dreams here and god new ones abroad. On a deeper note, it also means the probability of an international, non-native marriage increases. I think I need that native other half to keep me in check. I need it also to teach my kids our culture; the side of me that has been distorted by growing up abroad. However much I tell myself I am internationalised, I am still very much a national of this country.

To be honest. I had ulterior motives to come here. Other than work, I wanted to discover myself. I wanted what I had ignored for so long. I have yet o ahieve those things. That is probably why I will most likely stick around… I am stubborn afterall.

Happy New Year everyone!!

So, it’s finally 2010 and I can say good riddance to 2009. 2009 was undoubtedly a year to forget. Looking back, there were few moments I really enjoyed and the year in general was littered with downs more than ups.

For me personally, 2009 will always be remembered as the year my grandfather passed away. A man I greatly respected and loved dearly. He was incredibly intelligent, sharp and truly remarkable. I would be happy if I could become half the man he was.

On a larger scale, 2009 was a tough year economically and an unsettled year at work. Ripples from the fall of 2008 were still being felt and the company I work for was still in the midst of figuring out where to go. Work did not really pick up until the fall of 2009, but once it did, there was no stopping it. A 6 day week was becoming the norm and myself commuting to work right up to the 31st.

Anyway, so, putting aside all the drama of 2009. I feel 2010 will be a lot better.

Unplugged

So, my phone ran out of battery soon after the clock struck midnight; the worst possible timing in my mind. I had so many mails to send to so many people to wish them a happy new year but that all had to wait. With my charger a few hundred km away, I had to spend a whole day without a phone. An incredibly surreal situation. I survived. It made me realise I really do need to step away from my phone, from my computer, from technology on occasion. In the totally plugged in world of today, it was a great relief to not constantly be flipping my phone open only to realise all that awaited me was the wallpaper.

However, pnce home, phone charged up and switched on, it was somewhat depressing to find that I only had two or three mails in my inbox. Maybe the mails don’t get delivered if your phone is switched off for too long? That’s a more comforting thought than the realisation that the people I was thinking of, the people I would have sent mails to if my phone had any juice, were not thinking of me. … or maybe they just ran out of phone battery too! Ah well, it ain’t 2012 and the end of the world just yet …

Change

As last year drew to a close I thought I needed to change; I thought I needed to change my way of thinking, change my actions, become more active. You know, grasp my life by the scruff of the neck and push myself towards that elusive happiness. However, I decided that that isn’t the correct course of action.

New Year means visiting the shrine. It’s called Hatumoude 初詣 and is the first visit to the shrine of the new year. At the shrine, I usually do an omikuji – last year’s oracle wasn’t so good with it being a hankichi 半吉, one of the lowest blessings. This year I got daikichi 大吉, which is the greatest blessing one can get.

So, with my great blessing came the words of wisdom telling me not to rush into changing… to stick out a little longer with what I have now and everything will work out fine. It said, any change will end badly and to keep doing what I’ve been doing. For health, it said everything will be fine. For love, it stated that things will come together in the near future… all in all it gave me hope. It may be just a piece of paper to most people but to me, it is a shining light of hope. With the prophecies more often that not ending up reflecting reality, it is hard not to take in the words at some level. Maybe it’s psychology. Maybe by reading something and believing it, it becomes true. Then again, if I read good things all the time… it doesn’t make my life any better. Anyway, I am going to make this year, my year. Bring it on!

I knew what today was; I’d been reluctantly counting down the days ever since we hit September. Up to that point it was aiming for that one year landmark of my career. I managed to get through most of the day without making a big deal about it. However, then it all went pear shaped.

Drinks, parties, celebrations? Why would I want to celebrate this. That fateful day turned my whole world upside down. I hate that slogan… but then again, I realised today that it was the biggest shock of my life. I have no regrets choosing the path of leaving on a jet plane and not knowing when I’d head back again. However, so much changed on that day, so much.

No time to settle in, no time to make my mark, the clocked stopped that day. When will it start again?

Ok, I am still employed, I have new friends, I have work and responsibilities, I am experiencing a once in an era event first hand… a clash of cultures, etc, etc, blah blah blah…

Reality is cruel and depressing.

BBQで上司に説教されて、あの時は全然気にしてなかったんだけど、the more I think about it, the more I wonder… what the hell am I doing? Where is my life going?

I know my blog entries tend to centre around the same topics over and over again. I understand how boring and dull my life must seem to you all. I wish I could write about something more interesting. I wish I could be more positive.

I like to think I used to be an outgoing, happy kid… but to be honest, that happy self probably went into hibernation a long long time ago. 最近は本当に楽しいって思ったのは何度も歩けど、正直those happy times are so shortlived, it scares me. The moment, we 解散, all that happiness slips aways って感じ。超情けないな。

These moments of fragility are so frequent these days, it seriously adds to the never-ending stresses that I seem to create for myself. It’s a vicious circle.

In my life, I like to think that I have priorities… family, friends, work, etc, etc… but then, sometimes I think, what the hell is the point of having priorities if they don’t make me happy. Seriously, I can’t explain this.

Does being a 社会人 mean that conversation revolves around work, weekend plans, romantic happenings (if any), vacation plans… ok, I have no idea what other conversation there is, but life feels a little stale recently. I think I need a little more excitement… nothing crazy, but to be honest, I think I need something that really gets my heart racing.

You know, sometimes when you have that feeling of wanting to let your frustration out by punching something? or maybe, screaming at the top of your voice. The feeling of being trapped in this shell, self created or imposed by the environment I’m in, it’s tiring.

Honestly, I do not regret for a single minute the decision to come over here. I just want to be able to show that my life is just as great, if not better, than everybody that remained in London. At the moment, the only reason for my life being better is, I’m in Tokyo, you lot aren’t. But seriously, that’s shallow… The screaming I want to do… I don’t want it to be about frustration, stresses, etc.. I want it to be about my fantastic life… the awesome things I’m doing…

I’d hoped the past week would kick start something, change something… all the events I went to, all the people I met up with, everything… and nothing. Meeting up with new friends, friends from work, uni friends, old friends from 5-10 years ago…. all of it was fantastic! I really did enjoy seeing everyone. Catching up, shooting the breeze, whatever. I hate to say this, but I want more.

Unsatisfactory.

In Other News

In other news, I bought a new laptop. After 5 years of serving me extremely well, my laptop finally died. Over the years, I’ve made some adjustments like, adding new RAM, remapping my keyboard to work around broken keys, putting up with a dodgy sound system, living with an extremely noisy, most likely loose, fan…. and the final straw… the screen losing all brightness – not completely dark but, so dark that you can just about see the outline of a window.

Anyway, I bought the new studio xps 13. It’s snazzy, yes. But I still miss my old laptop. I mean, after 5 years, I had it set up near perfectly. Shortcuts, applications, settings, etc. I have to redo all of that.

I previously spoke up having near everything backed up online. Admittedly, I started that as I forsaw the day that my laptop would die. However, getting my new laptop I was faced with a difficult choice. After near 4 years working, studying and living on Ubuntu… was I going to install it on my new laptop or not? I mean, study is no more – work is at work, and living? well, living is just the internet, email and the occasional editing of some document. I don’t play games on my laptop these days… programming is mainly limited to work… I’m going to try migrating back to Windows. A heavily modified Windows environment obviously. Trying to integrate as much of the best features of linux into Windows is going to a mighty difficult task, but it’s a challenge I’m going to attempt to tackle. To be honest, being such a new computer, I reckon Ubuntu would still have a few quirks it would need to sort out… plus, the latest release has been full of bugs. In a few months time, either I would have successfully migrated to the cloud, or I’ll be installing the next release of Ubuntu, or maybe 7?

Either way, it looks like it’ll take me a few weeks to get used to this new machine.

Anyway, to all the geeks out there, I’d just like to say…

svn-ing your entire computer has its challenges and is frustrating at times, but it can be worthwhile. Admittedly, it’s near impossible to have compatibility with Windows and Linux on the same repository, plus, I have yet to successfully test this out across multiple machines, but it’s a lot easier than the stupid network drive set up. The damn thing keeps losing connection every time I try to bloody copy a large file and it’s too damn laggy to stream media off!

Finally…

I’m currently in the middle of watching the Robocop: Prime Directives mini tv series. It’s メチャ懐かしい！ I think I’m turning to the past more and more often these days…. so not good.

In similar news… I was talking with a friend about actresses that are our types… we couldn’t really name any recent ones *shock* we realised that we’re old enough to have lived through more than one ‘era’ … are we from the Bullock, Kidman, Aniston, Ryan, Roberts era? Does that era include Portman, Johannson, Jolie, etc? Either way, to have lived through more than one era for anything, be it movies, tv series, politics, music… that is a scary thought!

I had a bit of a shopping spree last week. Kind of retail therapy but not really, as it wasn’t very theraputic… I bought 4 new games:

1. No More Heroes (Wii)
2. Wii Sport Resort (Wii)
3. Pikmin 2 (Wii)
4. InFamous (PS3)

I have yet to play anything other than 1. but I’m really looking forward to inviting some friends round to test out the Motion Plus thing on Resort. Will most likely blog about it once I do. But yeah, No More Heroes is turning out to be pretty interesting.. will review that too soon!

Anyway, last words…

Who the hell reads my blog these days anyway?

Work

We had an all-hands meeting last week with the head of our division. It was just for our section? / sub-division? … either way, one of the things the boss mentioned was that none of us go to work “because of the nice office”.

After spending a couple of days at the other office, I have realised that the office – location, facilities and atmosphere, are just as important as the people and the work you are doing. In an ideal world, all of the above would be a factor in deciding where to work. However, as the world these days is far ideal, not all of those factors can be taken in to account.

So, on reflection over the past few days, weeks and months, I have come to realise the importance of colleagues, the office and generally having a stable job! But the point of this blog entry is not the fact that I have a job. Far from it.

I actually wanted to talk about the difference in atmosphere between a Japanese office and a ‘Western’ office. Apart from all the physical differences of the office layout – rows of desks vs. cubicals and offices, language – Japanese vs English, and although not quite in the realms of being physical, the number of zeros on the monthly payslip, there’s a whole world of difference in terms of culture.

Japan is still heavily traditional in regards to the workplace. Endless meetings. Constantly printing stuff out. The continous need to get approval for everything. You will not believe some of the hoops we have to jump through day-by-day.

Anyway, it’s definitely a problem with the whole of business in Japan. It needs to not just modernise the technology but the basic concepts / framework / work-practices – call it what you will. Maybe it is just my bias and my internationalised viewpoint.

Hmm, this topic is more difficult to discuss than I would have thought. I think the best way to put it is, as I’ve always said, working in Japan requires a lot more energy than working abroad. Working in Japan means thinking about a lot more than just the work you do. Relationships with your superiors is important anywhere, but it is critical here.

I just hope that I’m able to make an impact in this environment, network with the right people and progress in my career.

Holiday

On the flip-side is that Japan has a lot of national holidays! Today is one of them. It is Showa Day today. We have our bi-annual five day weekend next week. A lot of people, including myself, have taken holiday tomorrow and friday to extend the holiday to a full week. Actually, as I’m taking an extended break, I volunteered for holiday support today, so I’m actually at work today. But yeah, it’s strange how every time I take vacation I feel like I shouldn’t. There is always a fear that I’ll miss something important whilst I’m away. Although the fear of being laid-off has receeded somewhat, there is also a fear of missing an opportunity or not being around to help out with issues/projects. Hmmm…

News

…and now, there’s also this fear of swine…

The fear of death, be it to someone in a far off distant country, to those around you, within your family, or even to yourself, is something that does not sit comfortably for anyone. After recent events, globally and personally, I feel that I may be reaching an age that I will have to face this natural ‘circle of life’ more frequently and more consciously than ever before. Death takes time to sink in. It’s not just the fact that they will no longer be around, or that you will never get a chance to see their face or hear their voice, it’s all of that plus, what that person represents. The number of deaths on the tv screen are not just numbers – each and every digit represents a plethora of lives, emotions and memories. One mustn’t forget that.

Work. Friends. Family. Self. Love. Life. still dreaming…

Two Premiership managers have been sacked without warning. Corporate bankruptcies in Japan reached 1,360 cases in January. The British pound hits 134 Japanese yen. We’ve been asked to come into the office an hour earlier from this week. Hopefully all of these are temporary and we will be able to overcome any other challenges that no doubt lay before us.

However, we must always remember that we can also look at everything, including the above in a different light. For the managers, the next step in their careers await, for the teams, hopefully a more successful series of results. Companies rise and fall, but good ideas will make it. From my point of view, a strong yen is awesome for travelling. The early office? I can’t actually think of a positive from that one!

Then again, if it is temporary, then I’m thankful that tomorrow is another one of those many Japanese national holidays!

Saturdays are one of those days that you look forward to but then as the week closes out sometimes it seems more and more like it won’t be that great, and the weekend will be over before you know it.

It’ll be a very different experience. Japan has two days dedicated to this strange global tradition. One for each side. An “ask” and “reply” sort of system. I’ve probably explained all this before… including the “obligatory” system for colleagues, etc.

It’s A Game

So, tonight I played in an 11-a-side match for the first time since I moved over here. It was a bit of a struggle for the first 30 minutes and I definitely was close to collapse by then, but I’m always amazed that after a decent warm up – usually the first half of the actual game – I’m in good shape to go. One problem is that my stamina and shape is not exactly amazing so I usually end up fading near the end with the fear of getting cramp making me walk more near the end. Anyway, today was good fun – despite a couple of strange decisions by the referee – including a bad tackle on me that ended up as a free kick for the opposition.

Tokyo is a strange city. It feels like there’s a plethora of sports facilities but it is near impossible to book any of them. The best chance is to apply for the lottery, which takes place months in advance. How strange!

Anyway, that is all for today

Ski Season

On a completely different note, we went on a day ski trip last Saturday. The first time I’ve been skiing in over a decade. It was also the first day ski trip, the first trip in Japan and believe it or not, the first ski session in a blizzard! Yes, the entire day there was incredibly blizzardy weather with 8m/s winds and minimal visibility! Considering the super bad weather, I had a lot of fun! The last run was especially fulfilling, for want of a better word, as we were the only people on the slopes at that point. Every run was a battle against the wind and snow though. At times it felt like I could just close my eyes and I could see just as well. It was slightly scary though, sometimes someone would appear out of the blue, or more accurately white, in front of you and you’d have to react quickly to avoid hitting them!

Anyway, more ski sessions coming up, yey!

Guilt

This week has been a hellish week of stress and fatigue.

The work load has suddenly increased substantially and suddenly; the quiet times seem to be over. But that’s the least of my troubles.

I booked some time off, taking a long weekend this weekend. Incredibly bad timing. My manager was definitely not happy about it and was on the verge of telling me to forget it if I hadn’t told him I’d paid for the trip already. Still, it has stressed me out the past week and I have a feeling that I won’t be able to enjoy the vacation as much as I would like with the disapproval of the management hanging over my head.

I’m grateful for now having work to do now, and although it may be slightly stressful at times, it is not nearly as bad as the thought that I can’t happily take this vacation without feeling as if 1. I’m letting the team down, 2. deeply marking my managers impression of me. Seriously, I feel as if I don’t have the right to take vacation or something.

Honestly, I have nothing against the management, and I truly understand the position we’re all in right now. However, I really do need a vacation considering I didn’t take one over the festive season, and I would rather take it without feeling guilty about it!

So we have another 3 day weekend in the wonderful land of the rising but not so warm sun. It’s now Monday afternoon and for the first time in a while I’ve felt like I’ve made good use of the weekend. I spent Saturday playing tennis for the second time since moving here, but we can discuss that later.

First, I want to talk about the holiday feeling.

The Holiday Feeling

I spent today and yesterday at my grandparents place out in the sticks. On the train there I still felt that my whole life changing move to Tokyo has yet to blast into life; it still felt like a temporary move and that there was this end date in the not so distant future, when I’d “wake up”. I have no idea when that moment of realisation will hit and I guess I’m never believed I would stay long term, but it was still a strange feeling to experience.

The Other Holiday Feeling

I also had the other holiday feeling this weekend – you know, the one to do with the festive season? Being born so close to a major holiday has always given me mixed feelings about Christmas. I don’t dislike it but I can’t say I go hyper when the bells start jingling. I’m finding it even difficult to comprehend this year as in Japan it is a totally overly commercialised season starting from the day after Halloween up to Christmas day. However, Christmas day is a normal working day making it the most anti-climactic holiday in the year.

I guess there’s also this confusion about how to spend the holiday this year. In any other country it would be a family day but in Japan, New Year’s has been set aside for that purpose making Christmas day pretty much a “couples day”. Ah well… I’m just bitter that my birthday is no longer a recognised national holiday :p

The Alternative Holiday

So the alternative holiday. It looks like this year I’ll be spending the festive season in Japan as travelling abroad is far too expensive! I’ll probably do some sort of domestic trip but popping outside of Japan will most likely be saved til early next year. Cheaper, plus something to look forward to beyond the festivities!

Tennis

So, Tennis. The second tennis session since the resurrection (of my tennis playing), we played a solid 3 hours. It actually did not feel that long. Maybe playing for a shorter time adds to the pressure of making the most of it, plus restricts the time for warming up and thus doesn’t feel so satisfactory.

During the session we played a round robin set each – there were 3 of us. Thankfully I managed to win a match 6-4. However, despite my so called tennis lesson years back in my younger days, my backhand and serving was and still remains beyond amateur. You might think that the game was one by a single break of serve…. you’d be wrong. The game was one by a single holding of serve (I think). Either way, it was a dire performance and the comparison of my technique to John McEnroe was somewhat bizarre and unmerited. The only similarity between myself and the legendary McEnroe is that I was holding a tennis racket and that I shouted profanities a lot.

So, the big news of this week is the continuing fears of a serious global recession. Stock markets around the world have been seeing significant losses and companies have continued to cut people. It’s an uncertain world out there!

Anyway, so, amongst all the banks left on the street, CitiGroup seems to be the next casualty. After being in the news earlier in the week by announcing more layoffs, the news today is that they’re “on sale”. I seriously have my doubts that anyone would be that willing to come to their rescue in the current economic climate. There aren’t enough independent institutions left for starters. MS+MUFG, LB+Nomura, BOA+ML, JP+Bear+WaMu; the only name outstanding is GS. I can’t see a GSCiti Group at all – their cultures just don’t seem to fit. … then again, I seriously didn’t predict any of this a few months back!

So yeah, today was a less personal and more worldly perspective on things.

In this continuing climate of uncertainty, each one of us have our own battles to fight on a daily basis, to draw confidence from somewhere and to believe that things will eventually get better!

The battle may have lulled for us, but the war is still ongoing. It’s a matter of survival.

Having been back in London, my hometown as it were, for the past few days, I feel that I haven’t missed it as much as I thought I would. Yes, there are so many things in London that’s been nice to see or experience again but if I were asked whether I enjoy London or Tokyo more, I really would not be able to say London with 100% confidence anymore. I have changed.

The weather has been a lot colder than I expected it to be. Admittedly, if I had thought about it rationally, I would have realised that 10-15 degrees is mighty cold! Anyway, that plus the rain has put a bit of a dampener on my return!

Having said all that, the one thing I have missed are my friends. Having spent so many years over here it is difficult to replace those social circles or even come anywhere close to matching them in the short few months I’ve lived in Japan. I await the day I have the same level of friends in Tokyo as I do in London.

Anyway, yesterday I popped in to the London office to sync up with the guys over here. It was a strange affair as personally, I’d be the last person I’d want to send on a mission like this. I am the least knowledgeable, least experienced and lowest on the organisational hierarchy. I just hope I have all the information people have asked for and I haven’t let the team down!

However, I did allow myself to dream somewhat, imagining myself as the official go-between for Tokyo and London. Getting the occasional holiday+business trip back to London! It’s nice to be recognised in some way I guess.

On a similar note, I’ve been asked to be the organiser for the L + N new-grad get together. Responsibility can be rewarding at times.

Anyway, you may wonder why I’m online blogging at this time of day; I’m actually wondering myself why I’m here and not out! I seem to have grouped together all my get-togethers meaning my evenings are busy but my daytimes are sooooo empty! Hmm… may be I should sort something out.

Tomorrow is the graduation! Hopefully it won’t be too boring to sit there for hours but very exciting!

Lastly, I’ll leave you with this quote I uncovered, it even has the date I apparently uttered these words! It is refreshingly youthful, energetic and light-hearted, reminding me of my school days!

“I wish people would stop comin online, it gives me no pleasure in blocking them” – 29/5/2003