I wrote this whole blog entry last night on my phone lying in bed just before falling asleep but it doesn’t seem to have actually saved it.

Anyway, I was pretty low last night; after having had a few drinks with friends and surviving another manic week at work, there really was not much silver in that lining.

I can’t remember exactly what I drivelled on about but I think it went something like this:

I really do need someone who I can talk about everything to without having to worry about their opinions or standings – someone I can totally trust without worrying about confidentiality etc. Even with the “good” news earlier this week, the stress levels just keep on rising. My problems may not be as great or serious as others but they are my problems and to me they are the biggest issues in my life.

I think after I ranted on about how tough life is out here with the lack of social life and people to talk to I then went on to say that I didn’t regret moving out here. I also believe I mentioned that I would probably not change anything even with all the events that have happened. I did wonder though, what the hell I was doing in Tokyo and what I’d achieved over the last month.

Stress sucks!

So, the deal has been officially announced. The mood turned in an instant as the rumours spread like wildfire through the office yesterday. Although I was initially happy and relieved by the news, I now stand at another junction.
With the pressures of the lack of time now having been lifted from my shoulders, and the stresses of not knowing whether I’ll have a job next week, I have been given the opportunity to decide where my future lies.

I told one of my colleagues yesterday that “I didn’t come to Japan to work for a Japanese firm”. A somewhat contradictory statement? possibly. However, as I keep telling myself and those around me, working for a Japanese firm requires you to think about so much more besides work. The culture, etiquette and atmosphere of the office are based around the strict hierarchy of management. However, the situation with this company is somewhat different. Will this reflect the Chinese mantra of “one nation, two systems”? Will we be able to function as an independent entity?

Many people, including family, have said that it might be worth staying – it is a great company after all. A new company means a new contract; we will see what conditions they give and I will have to have a think about it then.

The other deal in the news seems like a move by our biggest competitor to counter the acquisition. The news early yesterday also sees the end of investment banking as we know it. How the world can change in a few short weeks!

I thought I’d finished with the whole figuring out where my future lay but with this unexpected turn of events, I have the opportunity to figure it all out again.

The whole unravelling of my future has left me dazed, unbalanced and any other word which can describe this unsettling plethora of feelings; I have somewhat lost confidence – have I lost my way after the first step?

I really have no idea if I want to stay in this industry or not at the moment. I didn’t expect to feel how I felt today; I didn’t really know what to expect.

All I can do is fight on. Believe in myself. Rediscover that lost path.

Tonight is probably, baring a miracle tomorrow, that i’ll have internet at least until I head into work on Monday. I’m collecting the keys to my new place tomorrow and along with that moving most of my stuff in.

I can’t really imagine what it’d be like living there with furniture and having settled down but I can envision the first few weeks being quite tough. As there is absolutely no furniture except a number of left electrical appliances I haven’t decided whether to stay there tomorrow night or wait until at least my futon arrives on Sunday. My grandparents were slightly paranoid that I wouldn’t be there to pick it up on Saturday so decided that Sunday would be the safer option…..despite the fact I’m picking up the keys on Saturday morning.

Anyway, I can just about picture the apartment furniture-less with just the 1 futon spread out in my room for the first couple of days. Monday, my brother moves his stuff in but the lounge will still have nothing. There is a counter/kitchen table but no chairs, no crockery, no kitchen utensils…

Having no internet will also make it somewhat difficult to order furniture online. I may have to resort to late night shifts at the office to take advantage of the net there….hopefully the sites won’t be blocked.

It’s all a major source of stress, which I’ve been trying to limit recently for various reasons.

The inset is the floor plan of the flat. I’m not sure whether it’s accurately to scale but the J means “jo-” (畳) and is a traditional measurement for room size. The alternate reading of the Kanji is “tatami”, from which you can probably guess the history. The dimensions varied from region to region but I think they’re standardised to 1.65m x 0.75m for property development.

There’s a whole range of traditional Japanese measurements, which can still be occasionally seen in use today, much like the Imperial measurements of the UK. One system still in use even by government officials is the traditional era names in place of the de-facto common era counting. Anyway, enough about that.

Tomorrow is the big move to Tokyo. I can’t 100% say that I’m looking forward to it; there is a small feeling of unease, but it’s definitely going to be a big move!

Anyway, I’ll try and post some pics up as soon as I have internet set up there…if not before, somehow…

It’s been a rough few days since my last post. I had grand plans to ramp up my revision ready for the hellish times ahead but things never seem to go as planned. I also planned to hit the pool a few times a week whilst I was back home but that didn’t really happen either. Oh well.

Another Brick

So, the week has been filled with drama of one kind or another. Firstly, I walked into that brick wall I’d been fearing for the past few months. I’d “run out of steam”, “hit the wall”, “burnt out”, however you name it, my greatest fear seemed like it was going to be realised. It did take me out for a few days with a high fever, dizziness and the usual symptoms of being ill…. but I think it’ll pass within the next day or so. Unfortunately it did take out those few days, which has meant today has been a bit of a nightmare in terms of figuring out how much work I have yet to do. I wish I could believe that everyone else is in the same position, but let’s not kid ourselves, some of you don’t have a thing to worry about and then there are some who don’t care, possibly?

I wrote that pathetic excuse of a blog entry a couple of days ago. I feel a little more energetic today in terms of writing an awesome one but thinking about it now, I’m not entirely sure what to write about.

I’ve been hit by the sore throat, muggyness and general symptoms of being ill since yesterday. It’s been coming for a long time, ever since my housemates both caught it and then Eri’s visit with her deadly version of the disease! Despite my best attempts to stave it off by eating fruit and taking lots of medication, keeping away from the infected, etc, it just wasn’t going to be. For one, I live with my housemates (funnily enough), and second, I spent the entire weekend with Eri. O, our houseparty and the houseparty I went to yesterday probably has not helped things either.

Now, I’m drinking cold lemsip as I forgot I had made some. My temples slightly ache, and my eyes are sore, along with my throat and the general feeling of being exhausted. I guess it was bound to hit me at this time of year; being the end of term, all that stress, tension and what not kinda lifts a little and as soon as I feel like chilling out for a bit… *bang*, I’m ill!

It’s definitely been one of the longest breaks from blogging. It wasn’t planned. I would love to put it down to being incredibly busy and having no time for expressing my thoughts but it’s more a case of not knowing exactly what to write and generally not feeling like it.

Anyway, I suppose even though most you that read this know me well enough anyway but I’ll try and fill you in as much as possible on the last few weeks. I’ll start with this weekend as it’s all that’s on my mind at the moment.

Eri came to visit for the weekend from Warwick. It was awesome to see her again. It felt like a lifetime ago that I saw her last but then again it felt like yesterday. She came down with a coursemate and we spent the day together visiting this random football stadium in the east of London and going to see Spamalot in the evening, finishing off with a drink down the pub with Dan and Sam. Thank god it was only a day that we spent with this coursemate. To be perfectly honest, he was not funny, a bit in your face, and gym obsessed, amongst other things… but then again, I don’t think I’m the one to ask for an objective opinion of the guy!

Spamalot was an incredibly funny musical. I would recommend it to anyone that has a reasonable understanding of history, culture and preferably monty python. I would say it was more of a guy oriented musical but I think it would still be a good fun musical to see anyway! ^^

Anyway, Sunday. Sunday, we went to the O2 to catch the Tutankhamun (Tutankhamen according to Firefox spell checker) Exhibition. Anyway, it was a tad expensive but it was interesting and there were a lot of things to see. Plus, it was nice to know I remembered all that Egyptian stuff from primary school! Yey!  The evening, we rocked up to Maple Leaf for a few Canadian beers and a mini lesson on the intricacies of ice hockey.

aaand, finally, today, we did the whole shopping thing on Oxford Street, yey!

Ok, so, if we rewind back a few weeks and recap; I’ve pretty much been busy with job applications, courseworks and projectwork. I would love to say that I’m on top of all of it right now but it’s definitely still a case of being partially buried. I have one last coursework due tomorrow… which I’m going to review tomorrow, and also a report for my project due in January. Ah well, that’s final year for ya!

I can’t really think of what else to say. One thing I will mention though is that there is this immense feeling that I should really make the most of now but somehow I don’t want to… I don’t want to accept the fact that this really could be the last Christmas as a student, in education…. in London? I don’t really want to leave but with every passing day it is becoming an increasing reality. This weekend I was able to forget all of these tormenting thoughts and even though the topic was never far from my mind it didn’t trouble me. I want more weekends like this one.

But yeah, I don’t think this blog entry is a very good one. I will endeavour to make more of an effort in the coming weeks to keep this entertained – I definitely don’t want to turn into one of those people that say they’ll update and never does.

O, I’m a Manchester United fan btw… for all those fb users!

My head is near exploding point with so many things to think about. I know 90% is based on me stressing too much but I have realised that the next year, especially the next few months, will shape my future in a big way; I do not want to miss any opportunities or look back and regret that I had not made more of an effort. I know there’s always a chance that I will regret that I tried too hard but that’s a lot better than regretting not doing enough. Anyway, I have this presentation on Friday, which is the first stress point. I know I’ll do fine but there’s always that worry that things won’t go so well. The presentation is the main chance to show everybody, especially the assessors, what I did in Japan. But yeah, this is the first hurdle in my way to obtaining that elusive 1st class degree. I suppose I care too much about my image and reputation – what people think of me is important. I know I shouldn’t worry about such things but their expectations drive me on and their view of me is a reflection and reward of all my efforts.