Unfortunately despite the references to historic figures and their captivating speeches, this blog entry has only one thing in common…. I had a dream last night; one that has stuck with me throughout the day. Although the details of the dream faded within the first few minutes of waking up this morning, the general gist of it is unforgettable.

I didn’t really want my next post to be under these circumstances but I really do need to get stuff off my chest at this point. A lot has happened since my last update including trips abroad, university stuff and what not but I’m writing this after what should have been an enjoyable night out.

I now find myself sitting here contemplating whether I should really stay in this country, whether to quit drinking alcohol entirely and why I even bother going out in the first place. The day generally has been a pretty tough and long day, with 9am tests on topics I don’t understand through to meetings with project supervisors discussing what the hell I should do.

Today was one of those days that pop up every now and again and truly surprise you. A day when you really had no idea what was going to happen or where I’d be at the end of it. I’m not talking about your standard impulsive behaviour or unplanned trip to the pub, I’m thinking way bigger than that. Today, I end the day dazed and slightly confused as to what exactly I accomplished. The day had started off as any regular Sunday, putting in a few hours of studying and surfing the internet. It also ended the same as usual with a number of hours spent wasting away infront of the Wii and episodes of some generic TV series. The crucial hours were those in the middle of the day; those were the hours I had not forseen.

I am seriously questioning how much I changed during my time in Tokyo. When I got back from Japan, and even before then in my last month or so, I was shouting about how different I would be but I find myself wondering if it was all a lie. I cannot truly analyse myself from six months ago and myself now as I am who I am now. However, I can say that the one thing that I know has changed is that I no longer seem to be interested in drinking. Admittedly, I was never a heavy drinker to begin with and I do still drink but the English/student culture of drinking for the hell of drinking no longer feels like what I should be doing. Anyway, on top of that, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by how much people change after a few drinks. I feel like I have aged 6 years instead of 6 months.

My head is near exploding point with so many things to think about. I know 90% is based on me stressing too much but I have realised that the next year, especially the next few months, will shape my future in a big way; I do not want to miss any opportunities or look back and regret that I had not made more of an effort. I know there’s always a chance that I will regret that I tried too hard but that’s a lot better than regretting not doing enough. Anyway, I have this presentation on Friday, which is the first stress point. I know I’ll do fine but there’s always that worry that things won’t go so well. The presentation is the main chance to show everybody, especially the assessors, what I did in Japan. But yeah, this is the first hurdle in my way to obtaining that elusive 1st class degree. I suppose I care too much about my image and reputation – what people think of me is important. I know I shouldn’t worry about such things but their expectations drive me on and their view of me is a reflection and reward of all my efforts.

I’m back in London; it was a very strange feeling on the plane when the realisation that I would soon be arriving back home had sunk in. Most people would be over joyed at returning home or at least partially excited by the thought but I felt apathy a slight sense of negativity of this momentous occasion. I felt somewhat lost as how to explain it but it was surprising how much of a tourist feeling I had when I first set foot in the country. I was shocked to find the small quirks were far more noticeable after my long absence – things such as the multi-race nature of England, people speaking English, the slightly nippy weather, the fact that I can’t sleep in t-shirt and shorts sans duvet, no air conditioning unit, no a/c required, the typical dirty feel of the London streets – every small detail that I didn’t particularly notice or care about prior to this trip away stood out. On the flip-side, it was nice to find the taste of milk pleasantly different, the sight of familiar surroundings, the sounds of the London streets again. I wonder how I will feel in a few weeks time; I hope that my change in views are not quickly forgotten.

This is likely to be my last post from my long stay here in Japan. I have mentioned time and again the wonderful memories I have made during the last six months and it is with a heavy heart that I will be returning back to London. I cannot begin to put into words how I feel and what I will take away from the time I spent here but I feel that I may have changed and grown; that I suppose I cannot judge for myself and I will let others see for themselves.

I realise one thing now, more than ever, I love her and nothing can change that.

Today was my last day at Lehman Brothers; I’m not sure whether I will be returning as a full-time employee but my internship ended today. We had a few drinks afterwards at a bar/cafe afterwards and I went round the floors with another intern earlier in the afternoon to say our goodbyes.  We spent about an hour on the other floors talking to the other interns and employees that we had had the pleasure of working with. I didn’t know quite what I felt when I returned to my desk. I know that I really had enjoyed my 6 months at LB but a part of me started wondering whether I really wanted to return. Admittedly, this week has been somewhat strange in regards to the lack of actual work and also being my last week, but before that I was not really looking forward to my last day. Anyway, my internship is over and all that is left are the memories that I’ve made and decisions to make. I really am more confused as whether I want to live in Japan and work here. To be honest, the main reason for living in Japan wouldn’t be related to work. The biggest challenge is building up those social networks, replacing those friends that you made over the years. Over the last 6 months, especially the last couple of months, I’ve made new friends but it’s difficult to replicate the networks that have built up over 10s of years. The one reason that may sway my decision is the one battle that is still raging within me.

I really am so confused. I know I’ve had a lot to drink tonight but drink doesn’t create feelings, it only uncovers them. I love her so much but I really am so lost. I get so down sometimes but yeah, I’ll definitely give a longer update about my time at LB and all of this emotion at a later date …

I decided to take a “well earned” half day off work this morning; to be honest, it wasn’t really because I needed a break from work but more a way of escaping from the nothingness that each day this week has been filled with. Anyway, I went to Yodobashi this morning and bought a new laptop. It was pretty much an impulse buy but I had been wanting to buy a new laptop for a while now. At the moment the new laptop is being used as a second monitor as it does not actually have much installed on it except Firefox. Once I return to LDN, I’ll be installing a few more pieces of software but I intend to use it more “on-the-road” so minimal installation is best. It has Vista and Aero, Flip 3D, etc so it’s pretty cool. I also installed this open source software called Synergy to use this as the second monitor.