Lately I’ve been considering my future here in Japan. I know, I know, I think a lot all the time. This time around it’s different though. I was discussing career paths with one of my friends and how we’d like to head abroad to experience life overseas – NYC, HK or other parts of the world. I know for sure that I don’t want to end up stuck here just because of my stubborn character.

This city is amazing. I have learnt so much from the last couple of years. The country had just been a holiday destination for me for so many years – a place where my relatives were, a place to chill out and just let everyone else take care of me. Now, it’s where I work, live and feel incredibly stressed out all the time. The gloss has started to rust. From the first month things really didn’t go according to plan, but I thought, ‘hey, that’s life. That’s the adventure I wanted!’ I have no regrets in moving here. I have grown and developed a lot from the various turmoils. But. But, there is so much regret that I feel. Regret that I didn’t pursue those opportunities. Regret that I am not even half the man I want to be.

Anyway, back to the main just of this entry. I don’t war to run away. I want to leave knowing that I have achieved all that I can here. I also know that ode I leave I probably won’t be back – or at least for a very long time. That means one thing. Give up on my dreams here and god new ones abroad. On a deeper note, it also means the probability of an international, non-native marriage increases. I think I need that native other half to keep me in check. I need it also to teach my kids our culture; the side of me that has been distorted by growing up abroad. However much I tell myself I am internationalised, I am still very much a national of this country.

To be honest. I had ulterior motives to come here. Other than work, I wanted to discover myself. I wanted what I had ignored for so long. I have yet o ahieve those things. That is probably why I will most likely stick around… I am stubborn afterall.

Home

So, it’s been a few days since I got back from my trip to London. It was only my second trip back since I moved here and as with the previous trip it was a rollercoaster of emotions… a really predictable one at that. Anyway, before the trip I was raring to get back to London – see my parents, see my friends, go to China Town etc etc…. I get there and I’m like “meh, it’s London, nothing different compared to Tokyo right…” – as before, it took me a few days to get back into the spirit of being a Londoner and as soon as I did, I really did not want to leave! Catching up with friends, drinking at the local watering hole, eating Chinese… seriously amazing! Anyway, I fly back to Japan and as soon as I land I start noticing all these annoying little things about the country; All these small things that I had “gotten used to” over the past year just came blaring back at me. Things like in the baggage hall, the constant repetitive PA telling people to fill out their customs forms… the constant repetitive voices of the ground staff reminding us to check the baggage tags to make sure the bags are ours… on tv it’s the constant loudness! I think this country does not know when to shut up.

Anyway, to summarise, I had a fantastic time in London and I keep wishing I had the same atmosphere and social network in Tokyo. Admittedly, that would be difficult considering my history here is eclipsed by that of London. Good friends don’t just appear and great friends are an even rarer thing. Yeah, I think that’s the main thing. It’s not so much I love London, I mean I really do, but it’s more the people I know there.

F1

Actually, today I was watching the F1 Japanese grandprix, it was an exciting race and I enjoyed watching it except for the stupid commentary. The constant reference to Toyota being on their home turf, Button being in his second home (his gf is half Japanese), the Japanese driver that finished last… soo much “patriotism” or what I would just categorise as misplaced enthusiasm. F1 is about the driver not the nationality on his passport. I really don’t care about the driver in last place, and I would prefer referring to the 2nd place as Trulli and not Toyota… it was afterall him in the driver seat.

Signs

Weird thing happened in London. Over the short period I was there… including the short hop to Belgium with my parents… I saw 3 newlywed couples still in their wedding gear… all happy and lovey-dovey. On the gangway to the plane home, HSBC had their usual advertising posters – this time it had photos of marriage with some slogan next to them.

Seriously, disturbing if this was meant to be a sign. If it was, then at least point in the the right direction. You need two people in a wedding! … also, I’m not planning on getting married that near in the future!

Reboot

So, back in Tokyo. I feel I need to reboot my life here. As one of my friends pointed out, I need to be less negative… although that wasn’t exactly referring to my life… time to fight

Today is Election Day. I, along with the rest of the country world predict a landslide victory for the opposition party, meaning the end of the LDP’s grasp on Japanese government for the past 50 odd years. Personally, I have minimal or less than minimal knowledge of politics, and despite my best efforts over the years to pick up some basic understanding (taking Politics classes for a year / reading the paper / participating in low level conversations on the subjecct), I still have no clue.

Anyway, today was the very first time in my life that I participated in an election. Up to this point, I have not been an eligble registered voter in the countries I have lived in. Admittedly, there was the regional election earlier this year that I did not participate in… but this it the national election!! Some might wonder why someone who has difficulty remembering which party the Prime Minister belongs to, is allowed to vote. One thing I do know is that, borrowing a catchphrase from another electoral campaign, “We want change”. Japan has had 4 Prime Ministers in past few years, each one worse than the one before… we need another Koizumi-esque person with character, charisma, and most important of all, the ability to fix stuff.

So, I went to the polling station, which was like 5 minutes away. I wasn’t too sure what to expect, but I was somewhat surprised at the low-tech nature of it all. Apart from the barcoded paper that was delivered by post to identify each one of us, everything else was hand written. I mean, no proof of identify required, just saying “yes, that’s my name”… then, it was writing the name of your candidate on a piece of paper… followed by checking a couple more boxes for other positions (which I didn’t really understand). Where was the barcoded or electronically readable voting forms? Good luck to whoever has to read my handwriting!

Influenza

In other news, swinging back to Monday. The guy sitting next to me looked seriously ill on Monday, coughing and spluttering everywhere. Thankfully he got a mask by mid-morning, which eased my tension… but by mid-afternoon I hightailed it out of there and headed to the other office to complete my work day. Anyway, he took the next day off which was a relief, but he returned on Wednesday to torture me again.

I’m not sure if it was him or some other factor but by the end of the week, I was feeling pretty rough. To be honest, I was feeling rough on Monday. [ I should have taken my manager's advice and headed home on that day ... ] Thursday, I had a scheduled day of, and I felt refreshed after that…. returning to work on Friday – eugh, again.

Anyway, finally the weekend and some relief… but, it’s funny… the whole week I’d been on the verge of being sick – as soon as the weekend hits, so does the full on being sick thing. Ok, not exactly sick…just a slight temperature and a major chest infection and throat swelling. I pretty much slept from 6pm to this morning on and off… my voice is sort of back and at least I can breathe easier but I have half a day to fix this before work tomorrow T_T.

It ain’t influenza thankfully, but it ain’t something I like having…

License

So, in an eventfull week… I got my driver’s license!! After 7 odd years of pissing about and never actually taking the test, on Thursday (my day off), I got the actual card!

It all started back in the UK, before university even… I started taking lessons, practicing with my dad, etc etc… then uni came and screwed up my whole schedule… having to cancel the driving test because of exams… and then deciding I didn’t need a license in London…

Coming to Japan, a few things made me realise I needed a license – 1. the fact that I had put it off so long and I had no reason to anymore, 2. I needed a pastime of sorts, 3. one time when I spoke with my granddad, he mentioned it as one of the things that a guy needs – (something like: money, education, driver’s license) … I think this was the material list… I think we also had talks about the immaterial list like compassion, etc etc… but I’m getting off track.

So I took up driving lessons in Japan too. After dillydalling around in Japan too… trying not to take too many days off – trying not to fail the test too many times – and also taking “required” courses like First Aid, etc… I got my license! woooo~~~!

You know, I’ve been so used to not driving, it seems strange to think that I can sit in the driving seat / rent-a-car / plan road trips etc…

hmm, where to? who with… Now, that’s a very good question.

BBQで上司に説教されて、あの時は全然気にしてなかったんだけど、the more I think about it, the more I wonder… what the hell am I doing? Where is my life going?

I know my blog entries tend to centre around the same topics over and over again. I understand how boring and dull my life must seem to you all. I wish I could write about something more interesting. I wish I could be more positive.

I like to think I used to be an outgoing, happy kid… but to be honest, that happy self probably went into hibernation a long long time ago. 最近は本当に楽しいって思ったのは何度も歩けど、正直those happy times are so shortlived, it scares me. The moment, we 解散, all that happiness slips aways って感じ。超情けないな。

These moments of fragility are so frequent these days, it seriously adds to the never-ending stresses that I seem to create for myself. It’s a vicious circle.

In my life, I like to think that I have priorities… family, friends, work, etc, etc… but then, sometimes I think, what the hell is the point of having priorities if they don’t make me happy. Seriously, I can’t explain this.

Does being a 社会人 mean that conversation revolves around work, weekend plans, romantic happenings (if any), vacation plans… ok, I have no idea what other conversation there is, but life feels a little stale recently. I think I need a little more excitement… nothing crazy, but to be honest, I think I need something that really gets my heart racing.

You know, sometimes when you have that feeling of wanting to let your frustration out by punching something? or maybe, screaming at the top of your voice. The feeling of being trapped in this shell, self created or imposed by the environment I’m in, it’s tiring.

Honestly, I do not regret for a single minute the decision to come over here. I just want to be able to show that my life is just as great, if not better, than everybody that remained in London. At the moment, the only reason for my life being better is, I’m in Tokyo, you lot aren’t. But seriously, that’s shallow… The screaming I want to do… I don’t want it to be about frustration, stresses, etc.. I want it to be about my fantastic life… the awesome things I’m doing…

I’d hoped the past week would kick start something, change something… all the events I went to, all the people I met up with, everything… and nothing. Meeting up with new friends, friends from work, uni friends, old friends from 5-10 years ago…. all of it was fantastic! I really did enjoy seeing everyone. Catching up, shooting the breeze, whatever. I hate to say this, but I want more.

Unsatisfactory.

In Other News

In other news, I bought a new laptop. After 5 years of serving me extremely well, my laptop finally died. Over the years, I’ve made some adjustments like, adding new RAM, remapping my keyboard to work around broken keys, putting up with a dodgy sound system, living with an extremely noisy, most likely loose, fan…. and the final straw… the screen losing all brightness – not completely dark but, so dark that you can just about see the outline of a window.

Anyway, I bought the new studio xps 13. It’s snazzy, yes. But I still miss my old laptop. I mean, after 5 years, I had it set up near perfectly. Shortcuts, applications, settings, etc. I have to redo all of that.

I previously spoke up having near everything backed up online. Admittedly, I started that as I forsaw the day that my laptop would die. However, getting my new laptop I was faced with a difficult choice. After near 4 years working, studying and living on Ubuntu… was I going to install it on my new laptop or not? I mean, study is no more – work is at work, and living? well, living is just the internet, email and the occasional editing of some document. I don’t play games on my laptop these days… programming is mainly limited to work… I’m going to try migrating back to Windows. A heavily modified Windows environment obviously. Trying to integrate as much of the best features of linux into Windows is going to a mighty difficult task, but it’s a challenge I’m going to attempt to tackle. To be honest, being such a new computer, I reckon Ubuntu would still have a few quirks it would need to sort out… plus, the latest release has been full of bugs. In a few months time, either I would have successfully migrated to the cloud, or I’ll be installing the next release of Ubuntu, or maybe 7?

Either way, it looks like it’ll take me a few weeks to get used to this new machine.

Anyway, to all the geeks out there, I’d just like to say…

svn-ing your entire computer has its challenges and is frustrating at times, but it can be worthwhile. Admittedly, it’s near impossible to have compatibility with Windows and Linux on the same repository, plus, I have yet to successfully test this out across multiple machines, but it’s a lot easier than the stupid network drive set up. The damn thing keeps losing connection every time I try to bloody copy a large file and it’s too damn laggy to stream media off!

Finally…

I’m currently in the middle of watching the Robocop: Prime Directives mini tv series. It’s メチャ懐かしい！ I think I’m turning to the past more and more often these days…. so not good.

In similar news… I was talking with a friend about actresses that are our types… we couldn’t really name any recent ones *shock* we realised that we’re old enough to have lived through more than one ‘era’ … are we from the Bullock, Kidman, Aniston, Ryan, Roberts era? Does that era include Portman, Johannson, Jolie, etc? Either way, to have lived through more than one era for anything, be it movies, tv series, politics, music… that is a scary thought!

I had a bit of a shopping spree last week. Kind of retail therapy but not really, as it wasn’t very theraputic… I bought 4 new games:

1. No More Heroes (Wii)
2. Wii Sport Resort (Wii)
3. Pikmin 2 (Wii)
4. InFamous (PS3)

I have yet to play anything other than 1. but I’m really looking forward to inviting some friends round to test out the Motion Plus thing on Resort. Will most likely blog about it once I do. But yeah, No More Heroes is turning out to be pretty interesting.. will review that too soon!

Anyway, last words…

Who the hell reads my blog these days anyway?

Although recent events has seen a shift towards a more interaction with the “locals”, despite living in this country, I spend the majority of my time isolated from its people.

I’ve realised that this has had one major drawback. After the initial rapid improvement of my communication skills, I’ve hit a dead-end. We had to do some goal setting earlier this month – I decided that it’d be a good idea to improve my business level Japanese. I think that’s going to be quite a challenge considering I have a massive tendency to fumble my words whilst speaking Japanese. I was telling my friends yesterday that “just as I was getting ready to leave, a colleague spoke to me”… I got the first bit of the sentence out but totally screwed up on the second, and only managed to get my point across after a long pause. This is not good.

Practice really is a major force in keeping things ticking over… everything from sports to just speaking. Time to practice!

Work

We had an all-hands meeting last week with the head of our division. It was just for our section? / sub-division? … either way, one of the things the boss mentioned was that none of us go to work “because of the nice office”.

After spending a couple of days at the other office, I have realised that the office – location, facilities and atmosphere, are just as important as the people and the work you are doing. In an ideal world, all of the above would be a factor in deciding where to work. However, as the world these days is far ideal, not all of those factors can be taken in to account.

So, on reflection over the past few days, weeks and months, I have come to realise the importance of colleagues, the office and generally having a stable job! But the point of this blog entry is not the fact that I have a job. Far from it.

I actually wanted to talk about the difference in atmosphere between a Japanese office and a ‘Western’ office. Apart from all the physical differences of the office layout – rows of desks vs. cubicals and offices, language – Japanese vs English, and although not quite in the realms of being physical, the number of zeros on the monthly payslip, there’s a whole world of difference in terms of culture.

Japan is still heavily traditional in regards to the workplace. Endless meetings. Constantly printing stuff out. The continous need to get approval for everything. You will not believe some of the hoops we have to jump through day-by-day.

Anyway, it’s definitely a problem with the whole of business in Japan. It needs to not just modernise the technology but the basic concepts / framework / work-practices – call it what you will. Maybe it is just my bias and my internationalised viewpoint.

Hmm, this topic is more difficult to discuss than I would have thought. I think the best way to put it is, as I’ve always said, working in Japan requires a lot more energy than working abroad. Working in Japan means thinking about a lot more than just the work you do. Relationships with your superiors is important anywhere, but it is critical here.

I just hope that I’m able to make an impact in this environment, network with the right people and progress in my career.

Holiday

On the flip-side is that Japan has a lot of national holidays! Today is one of them. It is Showa Day today. We have our bi-annual five day weekend next week. A lot of people, including myself, have taken holiday tomorrow and friday to extend the holiday to a full week. Actually, as I’m taking an extended break, I volunteered for holiday support today, so I’m actually at work today. But yeah, it’s strange how every time I take vacation I feel like I shouldn’t. There is always a fear that I’ll miss something important whilst I’m away. Although the fear of being laid-off has receeded somewhat, there is also a fear of missing an opportunity or not being around to help out with issues/projects. Hmmm…

News

…and now, there’s also this fear of swine…

The fear of death, be it to someone in a far off distant country, to those around you, within your family, or even to yourself, is something that does not sit comfortably for anyone. After recent events, globally and personally, I feel that I may be reaching an age that I will have to face this natural ‘circle of life’ more frequently and more consciously than ever before. Death takes time to sink in. It’s not just the fact that they will no longer be around, or that you will never get a chance to see their face or hear their voice, it’s all of that plus, what that person represents. The number of deaths on the tv screen are not just numbers – each and every digit represents a plethora of lives, emotions and memories. One mustn’t forget that.

Work. Friends. Family. Self. Love. Life. still dreaming…

Two Premiership managers have been sacked without warning. Corporate bankruptcies in Japan reached 1,360 cases in January. The British pound hits 134 Japanese yen. We’ve been asked to come into the office an hour earlier from this week. Hopefully all of these are temporary and we will be able to overcome any other challenges that no doubt lay before us.

However, we must always remember that we can also look at everything, including the above in a different light. For the managers, the next step in their careers await, for the teams, hopefully a more successful series of results. Companies rise and fall, but good ideas will make it. From my point of view, a strong yen is awesome for travelling. The early office? I can’t actually think of a positive from that one!

Then again, if it is temporary, then I’m thankful that tomorrow is another one of those many Japanese national holidays!

Saturdays are one of those days that you look forward to but then as the week closes out sometimes it seems more and more like it won’t be that great, and the weekend will be over before you know it.

It’ll be a very different experience. Japan has two days dedicated to this strange global tradition. One for each side. An “ask” and “reply” sort of system. I’ve probably explained all this before… including the “obligatory” system for colleagues, etc.

It’s A Game

So, tonight I played in an 11-a-side match for the first time since I moved over here. It was a bit of a struggle for the first 30 minutes and I definitely was close to collapse by then, but I’m always amazed that after a decent warm up – usually the first half of the actual game – I’m in good shape to go. One problem is that my stamina and shape is not exactly amazing so I usually end up fading near the end with the fear of getting cramp making me walk more near the end. Anyway, today was good fun – despite a couple of strange decisions by the referee – including a bad tackle on me that ended up as a free kick for the opposition.

Tokyo is a strange city. It feels like there’s a plethora of sports facilities but it is near impossible to book any of them. The best chance is to apply for the lottery, which takes place months in advance. How strange!

Anyway, that is all for today

Happy New Year! あけましておめでとうございます。今年もよろしくお願いします。All the best for 2009.

So, I saw through the New Year at my grandparents place in the countryside, in Japan, for the second consecutive year. I have a vague recollection of standing on Westminster Bridge to see the fireworks in 2007 but I don’t recall anything before that. This New Year was the first new year that I celebrated as a resident of this country. Having complained and stressed over the commercialisation and couple-ism of Christmas in previous posts, I actually prefer the Japanese style New Year over the Western version. I guess it’s because it has a lot more tradition, be it, eating 年越しそば (toshikoshi-soba) at Midnight, to signify long life and good health for the coming year. Eating おせち (Osechi) and お雑煮 (Ozouni) over the first few days of the New Year. Visiting the Shrines for 初詣　(Hatsumoude). Other more modern traditions include watching 紅白歌合戦 (Kouhaku uta gasen) on Eve, which despite being littered with unknown artists is a delight to watch. This year’s highlights included a 25 Year anniversary medley of music from films produced by the Ghibli Studios pairing of Hayao Miyazaki and Jo Hisaishi. Songs from films such as Totoro, Nausica, Laputa and the latest film Ponyo, which I have yet to see!

I got to see Mount Fuji on Eve and also on New Year’s Day, which some may interpret as bringing good luck in the coming year – I really do hope so!

It wasn’t all good fun though. I barely got any rest at my grandparents place, as every day they woke up early and made me do chore after chore. I didn’t complain as it’s not every day that I get to do 親孝行 (Oya-kou-kou), which apparently translates as “filial piety”; I have no idea what the English means, but the Japanese can be roughly translated as “making your parents happy”, by looking after them, doing something nice for them, etc. In my case it would be “Oba-chan kou-kou” as Oya means parents and Oba-chan means grandmother. Anyway, my point is there’s only really me that spends time with them regularly, and especially this New Years, I was the only 孫 (mago, grandchild) there.

On what turned out to be my last day there. I woke up around 9am, when my grandmother complained that they were waiting for me to wake up so we could have breakfast together. She asked me if I was feeling unwell as I hadn’t woken up – Yes, clearly, waking up at 9am means I’m unwell and waking up around 8am means I’m fine! I guess on the plus side, it doesn’t feel so bad getting back into work mode as I don’t have to wake up earlier than I did during the break!

Last night was a somewhat depressing night in watching tv and sitting infront of my computer. I guess the usual pattern wouldn’t involve going out or anything and quietly spending it with family, but seeing so many couples out and about it was quite a shock to my system. So much so that I woke up with a slight temperature and a severe headache!

Anyway, I felt a bit better in the afternoon, but actually spending a day at the office on Christmas day was very bizarre. It was definitely very quiet but it felt so much like a normal day. Even with all the Christmas lights and all that, as there were so many people out and about, it felt a bit surreal.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to spend a second night sitting at home alone, as I went for an impromptu drinking session with a few work colleagues/friends. Despite all the bad points about the Japanese style Christmas, I had a fantastic and unique Christmas evening! I was totally smiling all the way home! Bad points? Well, firstly there’s no Christmas Turkey! Secondly, it’s not a national holiday (nor is my birthday but we’ll get to that). Thirdly, it’s a couples day rather than a family day. But yeah, so thankful that I have good friends like those I went out for a drink with tonight!

Actually, this Christmas is the first occasion that I won’t get pressies or open them with family. Having said that my mum left a present when she visited. But yeah, tomorrow will no doubt also be a low key day; it’s my birthday and all as well!

My mum told me that I should probably get used to this kind of low key Christmas/Birthday as I turn into a fully fledged adult but I’ll definitely miss those family gatherings.

I also feel slightly guilty that I haven’t sent any Christmas cards this season. Usually I’d write to a few people but this year I’ve been ultra lazy. Then again, I can’t really fix that now that Christmas day is nearly over.

My birthday is less than an hour!!!!!

Having been back in London, my hometown as it were, for the past few days, I feel that I haven’t missed it as much as I thought I would. Yes, there are so many things in London that’s been nice to see or experience again but if I were asked whether I enjoy London or Tokyo more, I really would not be able to say London with 100% confidence anymore. I have changed.

The weather has been a lot colder than I expected it to be. Admittedly, if I had thought about it rationally, I would have realised that 10-15 degrees is mighty cold! Anyway, that plus the rain has put a bit of a dampener on my return!

Having said all that, the one thing I have missed are my friends. Having spent so many years over here it is difficult to replace those social circles or even come anywhere close to matching them in the short few months I’ve lived in Japan. I await the day I have the same level of friends in Tokyo as I do in London.

Anyway, yesterday I popped in to the London office to sync up with the guys over here. It was a strange affair as personally, I’d be the last person I’d want to send on a mission like this. I am the least knowledgeable, least experienced and lowest on the organisational hierarchy. I just hope I have all the information people have asked for and I haven’t let the team down!

However, I did allow myself to dream somewhat, imagining myself as the official go-between for Tokyo and London. Getting the occasional holiday+business trip back to London! It’s nice to be recognised in some way I guess.

On a similar note, I’ve been asked to be the organiser for the L + N new-grad get together. Responsibility can be rewarding at times.

Anyway, you may wonder why I’m online blogging at this time of day; I’m actually wondering myself why I’m here and not out! I seem to have grouped together all my get-togethers meaning my evenings are busy but my daytimes are sooooo empty! Hmm… may be I should sort something out.

Tomorrow is the graduation! Hopefully it won’t be too boring to sit there for hours but very exciting!

Lastly, I’ll leave you with this quote I uncovered, it even has the date I apparently uttered these words! It is refreshingly youthful, energetic and light-hearted, reminding me of my school days!

“I wish people would stop comin online, it gives me no pleasure in blocking them” – 29/5/2003