I’ve been wondering whether this ‘alias’ and having this split identity is worth the trouble. I mean, admittedly there are people in my life that I don’t want to share some things with, but then again there are some topics that I do want to share.

I’m very reserved so it’s difficult to bring up in conversation directly bit through the net it seems easier. On one hand I want people to know the real me, but on the other hand it would be great of these mags could have guarantees delivery to the right people. However, the net is not a courier service, nor a telepathic medium.

Not quite sure what I’m trying to say here. I guess, 1. I feel disconnected at times. 2. I wish I could connect better with this world. 3. Am I becoming increasingly reclusive / lacking enthusiasm / losing my drive to grow? … Or something like that ;p

I’ve been wondering whether this ‘alias’ and having this split identity is worth the trouble. I mean, admittedly there are people in my life that I don’t want to share some things with, but then again there are some topics that I do want to share.

I’m very reserved so it’s difficult to bring up in conversation directly bit through the net it seems easier. On one hand I want people to know the real me, but on the other hand it would be great of these mags could have guarantees delivery to the right people. However, the net is not a courier service, nor a telepathic medium.

Not quite sure what I’m trying to say here. I guess, 1. I feel disconnected at times. 2. I wish I could connect better with this world. 3. Am I becoming increasingly reclusive / lacking enthusiasm / losing my drive to grow? … Or something like that ;p

Work is really not as satisfying as it used to be; my Omikuji from the new year and my life don’t seem to match. I do not feel lucky and I do not feel that sticking this out will do any good for me.

My soul and body are overflowing with stress and fatigue. I don’t know if it’s just my state of mind but my heart is going it’s own way. Maybe it’s delusional, and it’s more likely just a channel for my messed up life but these precious rays of light are keeping me going. Small distractions are keeping me grounded.

Valentines is coming up soon. I said that I wished it would hurry up and be March, but in all honesty I just want to be able to enjoy the day without negative emotions – resentment, loneliness and sadness.

Anyway, tonight I had dinner with some friends – Chinese hot pot. It was actually really tasty! It had all sorts of mushrooms, cabbage, herbs and spices. A welcome and much needed distraction from life.

My head is too full.

The escape to ME cannot come sooner. Only a month. I await miracles.

Still dreaming… Scratch that. make that a nightmare.

You all know I’m not the most talkative of people. My life is a constant frustration of missed opportunities and I-should-have-done-that moments.

Anyway, yesterday we finally had our belated New Year “party”… Or more like dinner with a few friends from work. I had a great time and I feel really lucky to have such good friends. The problem is I can’t hang out with these people all the time; I wish I could but they all have their own lives, right.

I’m going to say it straight out. I need someone to talk to other than my god damn computer and the, admittedly fantabulous, Internet. I apparently have a knack for not saying what I mean or more accurately, withholding the truth.

Resolution: find someone that I can talk to. Find someone that makes my flaws look like qualities. Find life outside of this damn life draining office!

Seriously, I just want to be married and be done with this whole finding your soulmate / love-of-your-life thing! Give me more important challenges to deal with!! This one ain’t so enjoyable!

I Phone

So, I gave in to the masses and got myself the evil procrastination device. It has so many flaws yet the fact that I can surf the net anywhere easily is simply the major draw.

• fiddly keyboard.
• no infrared.
• no RFID
• poor battery life

These are just some of the flaws I’ve encountered over the past few days.

Infrared data transfer is the main way to exchange phone numbers in Japan; without it you’ll be outcast and forgotten. You won’t find many people willing to manually input their details.

The second thing is the RFID; things like the integrated “Suica” (cf Oystercard) and other contactless payment methods is a real minus.

Anyway, I plan to switch my old phone to a diferent network – one with better reception than Softbank. A second phone for calls, Suica and infrared. … Gadgets keep me living.

So, it’s finally 2010 and I can say good riddance to 2009. 2009 was undoubtedly a year to forget. Looking back, there were few moments I really enjoyed and the year in general was littered with downs more than ups.

For me personally, 2009 will always be remembered as the year my grandfather passed away. A man I greatly respected and loved dearly. He was incredibly intelligent, sharp and truly remarkable. I would be happy if I could become half the man he was.

On a larger scale, 2009 was a tough year economically and an unsettled year at work. Ripples from the fall of 2008 were still being felt and the company I work for was still in the midst of figuring out where to go. Work did not really pick up until the fall of 2009, but once it did, there was no stopping it. A 6 day week was becoming the norm and myself commuting to work right up to the 31st.

Anyway, so, putting aside all the drama of 2009. I feel 2010 will be a lot better.

Unplugged

So, my phone ran out of battery soon after the clock struck midnight; the worst possible timing in my mind. I had so many mails to send to so many people to wish them a happy new year but that all had to wait. With my charger a few hundred km away, I had to spend a whole day without a phone. An incredibly surreal situation. I survived. It made me realise I really do need to step away from my phone, from my computer, from technology on occasion. In the totally plugged in world of today, it was a great relief to not constantly be flipping my phone open only to realise all that awaited me was the wallpaper.

However, pnce home, phone charged up and switched on, it was somewhat depressing to find that I only had two or three mails in my inbox. Maybe the mails don’t get delivered if your phone is switched off for too long? That’s a more comforting thought than the realisation that the people I was thinking of, the people I would have sent mails to if my phone had any juice, were not thinking of me. … or maybe they just ran out of phone battery too! Ah well, it ain’t 2012 and the end of the world just yet …

Change

As last year drew to a close I thought I needed to change; I thought I needed to change my way of thinking, change my actions, become more active. You know, grasp my life by the scruff of the neck and push myself towards that elusive happiness. However, I decided that that isn’t the correct course of action.

New Year means visiting the shrine. It’s called Hatumoude 初詣 and is the first visit to the shrine of the new year. At the shrine, I usually do an omikuji – last year’s oracle wasn’t so good with it being a hankichi 半吉, one of the lowest blessings. This year I got daikichi 大吉, which is the greatest blessing one can get.

So, with my great blessing came the words of wisdom telling me not to rush into changing… to stick out a little longer with what I have now and everything will work out fine. It said, any change will end badly and to keep doing what I’ve been doing. For health, it said everything will be fine. For love, it stated that things will come together in the near future… all in all it gave me hope. It may be just a piece of paper to most people but to me, it is a shining light of hope. With the prophecies more often that not ending up reflecting reality, it is hard not to take in the words at some level. Maybe it’s psychology. Maybe by reading something and believing it, it becomes true. Then again, if I read good things all the time… it doesn’t make my life any better. Anyway, I am going to make this year, my year. Bring it on!

The realisation that I get ill a lot is worrying. I hear a lot of people saying they never get ill, or haven’t been ill for years… I used to think I was one of them. Unfortunately, that’s far beyond the case. I seem to be ill at least a few times a year; sometimes in the form of mild fatigue, sometimes full on fever. On this occasion, I forced this on myself.

Year-end. It’s the time of year when there’s a lot of parties, drinks, events and so forth. This year, it’s also extremely busy work-wise. Admittedly I don’t do that much over-time, but I have had to work 6 days a week a lot lately. Feeling below average is just cannot figure. Denial of the cold weather, denial of feeling a little unwell. Going out with no jacket when the temperature was close to freezing. What started off as a slightly sore throat turned into a chest infection, runny nose and muscle ache.

Anyway, after attempting to recover by taking a half day… I marched in to work on Monday morning… only to be told to go to the clinic, and if I insisted on working, to work from the other office – the one that’s near empty. I was banished. The result of which, I was persuaded to take a day off work. So, along with the national holiday (Emperor’s birthday), I’ve been resting at home for the last couple of days. I have not stepped one foot out of the house, nor have I got out of my pjs. Do I feel better? Maybe. Then again, it’s prob all the drugs I’m on.

The Bounenkai Season

Bounenkai – literally a gathering to forget the past, otherwise known as the year-end party. I held my own bounenkai / christmas / birthday party last week; invited a few friends and booked out a snazzy little bar.

It ended up being a little different to what I imagined; the guest list was mostly made up of friends from work and a few key members weren’t able to attend. I don’t really know what I was expecting. I did have a great time catching up with old friends, and hanging out with workmates outside of the office. …but… something was missing.

I have yet to truly feel the Christmas spirit since I moved here. It’s just so different. No family gathering. No Christmas turkey. No presents under the tree. It’ll be just another day at work.

Now that I’m back from my self-imposes exile. I guess I’ll be writing another post around year-end/new-year. I’ll most likely reflect on a year sprinkled with a few memorable moments and showered with all sorts of lows.

Merry Christmas everyone! I truly wish you have a wonderful festive season!

まじ、俺の週末はもっとさ、旅行とか、ドライブ、買物とかしてぇ！

一面しかない俺は詰まらない人間でござります。はしゃがないしな、日々どんどん真面目になってしまってる。

好きな食べ物：　日本カレー、インドカレー、パドタイ、ファヒータ、チーズ、など
好きなデザート：　ストロベリーショートケーキ、ティラミス
好きなスポーツ：　テニス、サッカー
好きな和曲：　コブクロ、キマグレン、Soulja、Ｙｕｉ、Ｅｌｌｅｇａｒｄｅｎ、
好きな洋曲：　Bon Jovi, Aerosmith, AC/DC, Five For Fighting, Twista, Feeder

外見：　ロング・ストレートヘア、笑顔、
中身：　会話が合う人。英語が話せる。自分をちょっとひっぱてくれる人。やさしい人。ちょっとおっちょこちょい。

って感じ。。。

恋は一生一度。。。なのかね？

All my life I’ve been told that it’s incredibly rare to have osananajimi from such an early age. I have known how lucky I am to have such a person in my life.

Yesterday I had a rediscovery of sorts.. a revelation if you will. There is another. I met a friend yesterday that I hadn’t seen for over half a decade. It is a mystery why some friendships come and go… connections are lost and found. However, true friends will always remain true friends. However old you get, whatever changes you may go through, these people in your life will still see you as you. The sudden realisation that I had known this person for close to 20 years was just mind blowing.

Anyway, that’s really all I have to say.

In my current lifestyle where true friends are hard to come by, I really do cherish these old connections… reminders of my childhood, reminders of home

It is difficult to be so frank about such things these days – people tend to judge, misinterpret and twist things to paint a picture which is far from my intention. To me, having an osananjimi means having the deepest and most undescribable connection you can have with a person. And, it’s nothing to do with crossing lines or changing perspectives at all.

Hope that makes sense…

Anyway, I had no idea it would be so stuffy this early in the morning, nor that there would be so many cars out on the road already. Where are people off to?

Not that I don’t have enough time to do this already, but it gave me time to think things through. Admittedly, I ended up thinking in circles, drifting off on tangents and generally not reaching any conclusions on anything. Oh well.

I just realised I tag my post with “Stress” the most. I will skip tagging this one with that despite mentioning it

My mind is screwed up at the moment. I think I reached my limit of this whole single life thing. I mean despite not exactly living the wild life… or maybe because I’m not living the wild life… there’s something missing. Stupid wedding signs amongst other things. I think that’s really hit a never lol.

Ok, ok, let’s objectify this…

marriage, late 20s, early 30s
engagement, a few months
know the person / go out, year+
unconfusing myself, forever

Dammit, it’s 4am.

I once read somewhere… I think it was actually last night from the book I was reading…. teens is when you dream anything can happen… 20s is when you still believe in your dreams but understand that you might have to wait… and 30s is when reality hits and realise dreams don’t always come true…

Time to attempt to sleep.

So, it’s been a few days since I got back from my trip to London. It was only my second trip back since I moved here and as with the previous trip it was a rollercoaster of emotions… a really predictable one at that. Anyway, before the trip I was raring to get back to London – see my parents, see my friends, go to China Town etc etc…. I get there and I’m like “meh, it’s London, nothing different compared to Tokyo right…” – as before, it took me a few days to get back into the spirit of being a Londoner and as soon as I did, I really did not want to leave! Catching up with friends, drinking at the local watering hole, eating Chinese… seriously amazing! Anyway, I fly back to Japan and as soon as I land I start noticing all these annoying little things about the country; All these small things that I had “gotten used to” over the past year just came blaring back at me. Things like in the baggage hall, the constant repetitive PA telling people to fill out their customs forms… the constant repetitive voices of the ground staff reminding us to check the baggage tags to make sure the bags are ours… on tv it’s the constant loudness! I think this country does not know when to shut up.

Anyway, to summarise, I had a fantastic time in London and I keep wishing I had the same atmosphere and social network in Tokyo. Admittedly, that would be difficult considering my history here is eclipsed by that of London. Good friends don’t just appear and great friends are an even rarer thing. Yeah, I think that’s the main thing. It’s not so much I love London, I mean I really do, but it’s more the people I know there.

F1

Actually, today I was watching the F1 Japanese grandprix, it was an exciting race and I enjoyed watching it except for the stupid commentary. The constant reference to Toyota being on their home turf, Button being in his second home (his gf is half Japanese), the Japanese driver that finished last… soo much “patriotism” or what I would just categorise as misplaced enthusiasm. F1 is about the driver not the nationality on his passport. I really don’t care about the driver in last place, and I would prefer referring to the 2nd place as Trulli and not Toyota… it was afterall him in the driver seat.

Signs

Weird thing happened in London. Over the short period I was there… including the short hop to Belgium with my parents… I saw 3 newlywed couples still in their wedding gear… all happy and lovey-dovey. On the gangway to the plane home, HSBC had their usual advertising posters – this time it had photos of marriage with some slogan next to them.

Seriously, disturbing if this was meant to be a sign. If it was, then at least point in the the right direction. You need two people in a wedding! … also, I’m not planning on getting married that near in the future!

Reboot

So, back in Tokyo. I feel I need to reboot my life here. As one of my friends pointed out, I need to be less negative… although that wasn’t exactly referring to my life… time to fight