I am bottling up too much stress and frustration lately. I am really on the edge. Seriously, one word, one small motion and I think Iight go insane.

Work is really not as satisfying as it used to be; my Omikuji from the new year and my life don’t seem to match. I do not feel lucky and I do not feel that sticking this out will do any good for me.

My soul and body are overflowing with stress and fatigue. I don’t know if it’s just my state of mind but my heart is going it’s own way. Maybe it’s delusional, and it’s more likely just a channel for my messed up life but these precious rays of light are keeping me going. Small distractions are keeping me grounded.

Valentines is coming up soon. I said that I wished it would hurry up and be March, but in all honesty I just want to be able to enjoy the day without negative emotions – resentment, loneliness and sadness.

Anyway, tonight I had dinner with some friends – Chinese hot pot. It was actually really tasty! It had all sorts of mushrooms, cabbage, herbs and spices. A welcome and much needed distraction from life.

My head is too full.

The escape to ME cannot come sooner. Only a month. I await miracles.

Still dreaming… Scratch that. make that a nightmare.

I knew what today was; I’d been reluctantly counting down the days ever since we hit September. Up to that point it was aiming for that one year landmark of my career. I managed to get through most of the day without making a big deal about it. However, then it all went pear shaped.

Drinks, parties, celebrations? Why would I want to celebrate this. That fateful day turned my whole world upside down. I hate that slogan… but then again, I realised today that it was the biggest shock of my life. I have no regrets choosing the path of leaving on a jet plane and not knowing when I’d head back again. However, so much changed on that day, so much.

No time to settle in, no time to make my mark, the clocked stopped that day. When will it start again?

Ok, I am still employed, I have new friends, I have work and responsibilities, I am experiencing a once in an era event first hand… a clash of cultures, etc, etc, blah blah blah…

Reality is cruel and depressing.

Two Premiership managers have been sacked without warning. Corporate bankruptcies in Japan reached 1,360 cases in January. The British pound hits 134 Japanese yen. We’ve been asked to come into the office an hour earlier from this week. Hopefully all of these are temporary and we will be able to overcome any other challenges that no doubt lay before us.

However, we must always remember that we can also look at everything, including the above in a different light. For the managers, the next step in their careers await, for the teams, hopefully a more successful series of results. Companies rise and fall, but good ideas will make it. From my point of view, a strong yen is awesome for travelling. The early office? I can’t actually think of a positive from that one!

Then again, if it is temporary, then I’m thankful that tomorrow is another one of those many Japanese national holidays!

Saturdays are one of those days that you look forward to but then as the week closes out sometimes it seems more and more like it won’t be that great, and the weekend will be over before you know it.

It’ll be a very different experience. Japan has two days dedicated to this strange global tradition. One for each side. An “ask” and “reply” sort of system. I’ve probably explained all this before… including the “obligatory” system for colleagues, etc.

It’s A Game

So, tonight I played in an 11-a-side match for the first time since I moved over here. It was a bit of a struggle for the first 30 minutes and I definitely was close to collapse by then, but I’m always amazed that after a decent warm up – usually the first half of the actual game – I’m in good shape to go. One problem is that my stamina and shape is not exactly amazing so I usually end up fading near the end with the fear of getting cramp making me walk more near the end. Anyway, today was good fun – despite a couple of strange decisions by the referee – including a bad tackle on me that ended up as a free kick for the opposition.

Tokyo is a strange city. It feels like there’s a plethora of sports facilities but it is near impossible to book any of them. The best chance is to apply for the lottery, which takes place months in advance. How strange!

Anyway, that is all for today

So, the big news of this week is the continuing fears of a serious global recession. Stock markets around the world have been seeing significant losses and companies have continued to cut people. It’s an uncertain world out there!

Anyway, so, amongst all the banks left on the street, CitiGroup seems to be the next casualty. After being in the news earlier in the week by announcing more layoffs, the news today is that they’re “on sale”. I seriously have my doubts that anyone would be that willing to come to their rescue in the current economic climate. There aren’t enough independent institutions left for starters. MS+MUFG, LB+Nomura, BOA+ML, JP+Bear+WaMu; the only name outstanding is GS. I can’t see a GSCiti Group at all – their cultures just don’t seem to fit. … then again, I seriously didn’t predict any of this a few months back!

So yeah, today was a less personal and more worldly perspective on things.

In this continuing climate of uncertainty, each one of us have our own battles to fight on a daily basis, to draw confidence from somewhere and to believe that things will eventually get better!

The battle may have lulled for us, but the war is still ongoing. It’s a matter of survival.

So, the deal has been officially announced. The mood turned in an instant as the rumours spread like wildfire through the office yesterday. Although I was initially happy and relieved by the news, I now stand at another junction.
With the pressures of the lack of time now having been lifted from my shoulders, and the stresses of not knowing whether I’ll have a job next week, I have been given the opportunity to decide where my future lies.

I told one of my colleagues yesterday that “I didn’t come to Japan to work for a Japanese firm”. A somewhat contradictory statement? possibly. However, as I keep telling myself and those around me, working for a Japanese firm requires you to think about so much more besides work. The culture, etiquette and atmosphere of the office are based around the strict hierarchy of management. However, the situation with this company is somewhat different. Will this reflect the Chinese mantra of “one nation, two systems”? Will we be able to function as an independent entity?

Many people, including family, have said that it might be worth staying – it is a great company after all. A new company means a new contract; we will see what conditions they give and I will have to have a think about it then.

The other deal in the news seems like a move by our biggest competitor to counter the acquisition. The news early yesterday also sees the end of investment banking as we know it. How the world can change in a few short weeks!

I thought I’d finished with the whole figuring out where my future lay but with this unexpected turn of events, I have the opportunity to figure it all out again.

The whole unravelling of my future has left me dazed, unbalanced and any other word which can describe this unsettling plethora of feelings; I have somewhat lost confidence – have I lost my way after the first step?

I really have no idea if I want to stay in this industry or not at the moment. I didn’t expect to feel how I felt today; I didn’t really know what to expect.

All I can do is fight on. Believe in myself. Rediscover that lost path.

I asked my supervisor for his opinion and assurance that my final report, the final piece of written work of my university career, is up to scratch.
A few sentences which were open to interpretation:

1. the results section also describes what you did well

2. should be fine as it is

(1) does that mean I only described what went well and left out all the bad things?
does that mean there are things that I haven’t described but what I did describe was well written?
does that mean I described my results well?

(2) why did he not say “will be fine”. he’s the one marking it!!

Anyway. Today I finalised my report title; a massive moment. It can’t be changed now.

Tomorrow, I hand my report in. Wow!