It’s been a while since my last blog entry. I’ve been trying to keep a low profile lately. My attempts to steer myself towards a less stress filled lifestyle has not really been achieved. On the contrary, the busy days literally and imaginary have made me ill again.

The realisation that I get ill a lot is worrying. I hear a lot of people saying they never get ill, or haven’t been ill for years… I used to think I was one of them. Unfortunately, that’s far beyond the case. I seem to be ill at least a few times a year; sometimes in the form of mild fatigue, sometimes full on fever. On this occasion, I forced this on myself.

Year-end. It’s the time of year when there’s a lot of parties, drinks, events and so forth. This year, it’s also extremely busy work-wise. Admittedly I don’t do that much over-time, but I have had to work 6 days a week a lot lately. Feeling below average is just cannot figure. Denial of the cold weather, denial of feeling a little unwell. Going out with no jacket when the temperature was close to freezing. What started off as a slightly sore throat turned into a chest infection, runny nose and muscle ache.

Anyway, after attempting to recover by taking a half day… I marched in to work on Monday morning… only to be told to go to the clinic, and if I insisted on working, to work from the other office – the one that’s near empty. I was banished. The result of which, I was persuaded to take a day off work. So, along with the national holiday (Emperor’s birthday), I’ve been resting at home for the last couple of days. I have not stepped one foot out of the house, nor have I got out of my pjs. Do I feel better? Maybe. Then again, it’s prob all the drugs I’m on.

The Bounenkai Season

Bounenkai – literally a gathering to forget the past, otherwise known as the year-end party. I held my own bounenkai / christmas / birthday party last week; invited a few friends and booked out a snazzy little bar.

It ended up being a little different to what I imagined; the guest list was mostly made up of friends from work and a few key members weren’t able to attend. I don’t really know what I was expecting. I did have a great time catching up with old friends, and hanging out with workmates outside of the office. …but… something was missing.

I have yet to truly feel the Christmas spirit since I moved here. It’s just so different. No family gathering. No Christmas turkey. No presents under the tree. It’ll be just another day at work.

Now that I’m back from my self-imposes exile. I guess I’ll be writing another post around year-end/new-year. I’ll most likely reflect on a year sprinkled with a few memorable moments and showered with all sorts of lows.

Merry Christmas everyone! I truly wish you have a wonderful festive season!

I haven’t written anything in a while. Life has been more than a little hectic the past few weeks and for a variety of reasons, I haven’t had done a full weeks worth of work for the past few weeks.

Anyway, self and family are paramount and thankfully I work under an extremely understanding boss. Times like this, hopefully infrequent, do provide an ideal opportunity for reflection.

The next few weeks, months and years will no doubt define the rest of my life; that’s been true for a while. However, paraphrasing a well known quote, it’s not how you fall, it’s how you land that’s important. These hurdles set surrounding me need to be overcome and priorities need to be reorganised. Though, despite all that, I feel that what was important previously are not unimportant… but need to be looked at in a different light. I still want to excel at work. Learn more, experience more, be more. Also, what needs to be done – just get it done. What needs to be said – just say it. Expectations need to be surpassed.

The fragility of life is reflected in the fragility of emotion, the fragility of self. But, life can also be strength. Time to reflect that…

Work

We had an all-hands meeting last week with the head of our division. It was just for our section? / sub-division? … either way, one of the things the boss mentioned was that none of us go to work “because of the nice office”.

After spending a couple of days at the other office, I have realised that the office – location, facilities and atmosphere, are just as important as the people and the work you are doing. In an ideal world, all of the above would be a factor in deciding where to work. However, as the world these days is far ideal, not all of those factors can be taken in to account.

So, on reflection over the past few days, weeks and months, I have come to realise the importance of colleagues, the office and generally having a stable job! But the point of this blog entry is not the fact that I have a job. Far from it.

I actually wanted to talk about the difference in atmosphere between a Japanese office and a ‘Western’ office. Apart from all the physical differences of the office layout – rows of desks vs. cubicals and offices, language – Japanese vs English, and although not quite in the realms of being physical, the number of zeros on the monthly payslip, there’s a whole world of difference in terms of culture.

Japan is still heavily traditional in regards to the workplace. Endless meetings. Constantly printing stuff out. The continous need to get approval for everything. You will not believe some of the hoops we have to jump through day-by-day.

Anyway, it’s definitely a problem with the whole of business in Japan. It needs to not just modernise the technology but the basic concepts / framework / work-practices – call it what you will. Maybe it is just my bias and my internationalised viewpoint.

Hmm, this topic is more difficult to discuss than I would have thought. I think the best way to put it is, as I’ve always said, working in Japan requires a lot more energy than working abroad. Working in Japan means thinking about a lot more than just the work you do. Relationships with your superiors is important anywhere, but it is critical here.

I just hope that I’m able to make an impact in this environment, network with the right people and progress in my career.

Holiday

On the flip-side is that Japan has a lot of national holidays! Today is one of them. It is Showa Day today. We have our bi-annual five day weekend next week. A lot of people, including myself, have taken holiday tomorrow and friday to extend the holiday to a full week. Actually, as I’m taking an extended break, I volunteered for holiday support today, so I’m actually at work today. But yeah, it’s strange how every time I take vacation I feel like I shouldn’t. There is always a fear that I’ll miss something important whilst I’m away. Although the fear of being laid-off has receeded somewhat, there is also a fear of missing an opportunity or not being around to help out with issues/projects. Hmmm…

News

…and now, there’s also this fear of swine…

The fear of death, be it to someone in a far off distant country, to those around you, within your family, or even to yourself, is something that does not sit comfortably for anyone. After recent events, globally and personally, I feel that I may be reaching an age that I will have to face this natural ‘circle of life’ more frequently and more consciously than ever before. Death takes time to sink in. It’s not just the fact that they will no longer be around, or that you will never get a chance to see their face or hear their voice, it’s all of that plus, what that person represents. The number of deaths on the tv screen are not just numbers – each and every digit represents a plethora of lives, emotions and memories. One mustn’t forget that.

Work. Friends. Family. Self. Love. Life. still dreaming…

The past few weeks my parents have been visiting, along with my younger brother it’s been a wonderful family reunion. This last weekend, us brothers went out together. It’s been a while since I last had family around – I mean, that’s not entirely true but it was nice to hang out with them.

Hmm, actually I’m not entirely sure what else to write about. This weekend has been very hectic – the total opposite to my usual relaxing chilled out days/evenings infront of the tv. But yeah, I’ve been told a few times over the past few weeks that they thought I was the youngest out of my brothers – that in itself does not bother me as it means I still look young and that work stresses haven’t aged me too much yet. Not being driven does though… motivationally I might be slightly lacking the skills necessary to expand my social circle and to keep my current friends close. I need to find a way to break out of this shell and not just sit there in the corner.

I have no idea what I’m blabbering about. I’m definitely knackered today.

So, the question is… what are my dreams? what are my ambitions? what am I doing with my life these days? The short interlude of keeping everything around me on hold whilst my family have been here is coming to a close but yeah… early night tonight, so need a good night’s sleep!

Happy New Year! あけましておめでとうございます。今年もよろしくお願いします。All the best for 2009.

So, I saw through the New Year at my grandparents place in the countryside, in Japan, for the second consecutive year. I have a vague recollection of standing on Westminster Bridge to see the fireworks in 2007 but I don’t recall anything before that. This New Year was the first new year that I celebrated as a resident of this country. Having complained and stressed over the commercialisation and couple-ism of Christmas in previous posts, I actually prefer the Japanese style New Year over the Western version. I guess it’s because it has a lot more tradition, be it, eating 年越しそば (toshikoshi-soba) at Midnight, to signify long life and good health for the coming year. Eating おせち (Osechi) and お雑煮 (Ozouni) over the first few days of the New Year. Visiting the Shrines for 初詣　(Hatsumoude). Other more modern traditions include watching 紅白歌合戦 (Kouhaku uta gasen) on Eve, which despite being littered with unknown artists is a delight to watch. This year’s highlights included a 25 Year anniversary medley of music from films produced by the Ghibli Studios pairing of Hayao Miyazaki and Jo Hisaishi. Songs from films such as Totoro, Nausica, Laputa and the latest film Ponyo, which I have yet to see!

I got to see Mount Fuji on Eve and also on New Year’s Day, which some may interpret as bringing good luck in the coming year – I really do hope so!

It wasn’t all good fun though. I barely got any rest at my grandparents place, as every day they woke up early and made me do chore after chore. I didn’t complain as it’s not every day that I get to do 親孝行 (Oya-kou-kou), which apparently translates as “filial piety”; I have no idea what the English means, but the Japanese can be roughly translated as “making your parents happy”, by looking after them, doing something nice for them, etc. In my case it would be “Oba-chan kou-kou” as Oya means parents and Oba-chan means grandmother. Anyway, my point is there’s only really me that spends time with them regularly, and especially this New Years, I was the only 孫 (mago, grandchild) there.

On what turned out to be my last day there. I woke up around 9am, when my grandmother complained that they were waiting for me to wake up so we could have breakfast together. She asked me if I was feeling unwell as I hadn’t woken up – Yes, clearly, waking up at 9am means I’m unwell and waking up around 8am means I’m fine! I guess on the plus side, it doesn’t feel so bad getting back into work mode as I don’t have to wake up earlier than I did during the break!

Last night was a somewhat depressing night in watching tv and sitting infront of my computer. I guess the usual pattern wouldn’t involve going out or anything and quietly spending it with family, but seeing so many couples out and about it was quite a shock to my system. So much so that I woke up with a slight temperature and a severe headache!

Anyway, I felt a bit better in the afternoon, but actually spending a day at the office on Christmas day was very bizarre. It was definitely very quiet but it felt so much like a normal day. Even with all the Christmas lights and all that, as there were so many people out and about, it felt a bit surreal.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to spend a second night sitting at home alone, as I went for an impromptu drinking session with a few work colleagues/friends. Despite all the bad points about the Japanese style Christmas, I had a fantastic and unique Christmas evening! I was totally smiling all the way home! Bad points? Well, firstly there’s no Christmas Turkey! Secondly, it’s not a national holiday (nor is my birthday but we’ll get to that). Thirdly, it’s a couples day rather than a family day. But yeah, so thankful that I have good friends like those I went out for a drink with tonight!

Actually, this Christmas is the first occasion that I won’t get pressies or open them with family. Having said that my mum left a present when she visited. But yeah, tomorrow will no doubt also be a low key day; it’s my birthday and all as well!

My mum told me that I should probably get used to this kind of low key Christmas/Birthday as I turn into a fully fledged adult but I’ll definitely miss those family gatherings.

I also feel slightly guilty that I haven’t sent any Christmas cards this season. Usually I’d write to a few people but this year I’ve been ultra lazy. Then again, I can’t really fix that now that Christmas day is nearly over.

My birthday is less than an hour!!!!!

Anger, frustration, stress and exhaustion. All these feelings are bottled up inside at the moment. It’s strange how a reasonable day can turn so quickly in one moment.

Listening to death metal seems like a perfect cure at the instant you feel that anger but it only adds to the adrenalin pumping through you and does nothing to calm you down.

The root of all this bad feeling? I guess the stress and exhaustion have been due to the excessively tiring week I’ve had. I didn’t have a single night in last week. Ok, admittedly my definition of a night in means going home straight from work and staying in, and doesn’t cover those cases when I pop out for a few hours.

Drive

Driving lessons have eaten up most of my spare time the past couple of weeks. Thankfully I’m now at a point where I can actually take the test and be pretty confident that I’ll pass. However, the one obstacle is the theory. Theory is bad enough when in English, but when it’s in Japanese and is also sufficiently cunning enough to include a large number of trick questions, it doesn’t make it any easier! For the preliminary licence – the one you need to actually take the actual full licence on-road – you need to get 45 out of the 50 True/False questions correct; I did a mock test today – I got 44 out of 50 – fail. I plan on taking it within the week though. I think it’s a lot more guess work, feeling and luck than actually learning some of this stuff. Some of it doesn’t make sense.

Anger

Anyway, the root of my anger and frustration? Yes, you guessed it, my brother. I decided to have some toast as I was hungry. He made a passing comment saying something like “why?”, which he then went on to clarify as asking why I hadn’t asked him if he wanted any. That in itself was annoying enough but then after I commented that there was only 1 slice left, he said that “do you think mum would do that?”, at that point a lot of offensive words went through my head. Mostly focused on the thought that I was not his mother, and also wondering how the hell we were related. I’m not the maid/chef/servant either.

There was another incident yesterday. I invited him to play tennis yesterday. He was patronising and down right rude to my friends. I could tell that he didn’t think much of them, at one point he was “dame-dana”, roughly translating to “not good enough” in terms of their character, personality etc. Incredibly prejudiced and judgemental. Asking what people did at university seems like an acceptable question, right? Not when asked in such a way as to imply that the person spent their whole time studying and was friendless. Unfortunately, our social circles overlap more than I would like, and being in the same industry does not help that, but seriously, never again am I going to invite him to anything.

Actually, whilst I’m ranting about all of this. When I decided to go to the uni I picked, I was really miffed (to put it mildly) that my brother decided to join me there. Spending my entire life trying to break free of standing in his shadow; maybe I cast a bigger shadow now, but his is shadow remains darker, thicker and more choking.

Choke

Smokers – why? I really don’t understand the “habit”/”pastime”. People say that smoking and drinking are on a par. They are wrong. Drinking does not kill those people around you. Smoking does. Drinking does not make everything smell of smoke. Smoking does. The worst thing is that a segregated restaurant in Japan means that there’s just an area for smokers but usually no barrier or separate ventilation. Ban it, dramatically increase the cost or invent something that doesn’t have any impact on everyone/everything around the smoker. Introduce anti-smoking laws. The excuse that smokers have to go outside or will loiter outside the buildings are not valid excuses. These people should be shunned and smoking along with it.

Also, the worst kind of smoker is “the casual/social” smoker. That makes no sense to me.

Then again, my youthful innocence of the past, when I believed that I’d never want to associate myself with any smokers or stop speaking to people if they did, has not stood the test of time. Do I have to learn to accept that Japan is smoking central? Can I refuse to attend an event if I know it’ll be too smoky? Can I politely say “yes” when people ask “do you mind if I smoke?”?

I need a holiday.

As my brother spends more time at home, his habits and our difference in lifestyle seem more apparent day by day. We are so different, yet somehow we are related.

For example, take our opinions on work. I leave work at a reasonable hour unless there is a pressing reason to stay. My brother thinks that I should stay later – if I enjoy working, I should work more, until later, for longer. My response? I would definitely not enjoy work as much if I worked til 7/8pm or even midnight!

[ Seriously, he can't shut up when he watches tv - I wonder when he picked up that bad habit? ]

I guess I hate the invasion of “my” space. Things like the contents of my fridge, eating things I’ve been carefully saving, etc. Sitting in my seat. Moving stuff around. Changing the tv channel to something worse than what was already on…

I’ve had that uncertainty of living with him since before I moved to Japan. The only positive was that he would never be around.

Sometimes spending time with someone reinforces the connection, sometimes it just reinforces the differences.

I miss the days where I only saw him for 5 minutes a day….

I finally got around to adding up my expenditure for the past few months. It was ridiculous! I started panicking over whether I would be able to continue to sustain this standard of living. First, I subtracted regular monthly costs, such as rent, phone, internet, etc from my pay. Other costs include, food, dry cleaning, hair cuts, as well as daily lunch. I think I may need to start doing my cleaning and ironing at home, eat combini-lunches and cut my hair less?

Having said that, it’s the sort of panic that is more to do with the lack of savings rather than my expenditure outstripping my income. Though, I do have to be more conscious of my spending.

The last couple of months have obviously included spending for settling in – furniture, tv, phone bill etc. I won’t be spending that much again for a while, but I do seem to end up going on spending sprees for clothes. I need to step back from this “elite” lifestyle…. or a pay raise?

The list of stuff I still want to buy:

• Nintendo DSi
• DVD/Blu-ray Player
• New laptop
• DSLR Camera
• Book case/shelves for my room

I think they’ll have to wait for a bit. Ahhh!!

Family

I met my cousins and uncle yesterday for the first time in ages. I’d met one of them last year when she came over to London but I hadn’t seen the others for over a decade. I was so worried that I wouldn’t recognise them at all. I ended up phoning them up at the station when I was pretty sure the group standing yonder was them… I was right. But yeah, my uncle hadn’t changed a bit. My cousins, I have no recollection of so it was nice to catch up with them again.

But yeah, that family drink A LOT! After dinner, we went to another bar – it was one of those places where they have labelled bottles for each customer… they had one. God, the bartender keeps topping up your drink. I can’t remember the name of the place, very secluded, quiet and regulars only kind of place. Wow, I’m hungover today.