Lately I’ve been considering my future here in Japan. I know, I know, I think a lot all the time. This time around it’s different though. I was discussing career paths with one of my friends and how we’d like to head abroad to experience life overseas – NYC, HK or other parts of the world. I know for sure that I don’t want to end up stuck here just because of my stubborn character.

This city is amazing. I have learnt so much from the last couple of years. The country had just been a holiday destination for me for so many years – a place where my relatives were, a place to chill out and just let everyone else take care of me. Now, it’s where I work, live and feel incredibly stressed out all the time. The gloss has started to rust. From the first month things really didn’t go according to plan, but I thought, ‘hey, that’s life. That’s the adventure I wanted!’ I have no regrets in moving here. I have grown and developed a lot from the various turmoils. But. But, there is so much regret that I feel. Regret that I didn’t pursue those opportunities. Regret that I am not even half the man I want to be.

Anyway, back to the main just of this entry. I don’t war to run away. I want to leave knowing that I have achieved all that I can here. I also know that ode I leave I probably won’t be back – or at least for a very long time. That means one thing. Give up on my dreams here and god new ones abroad. On a deeper note, it also means the probability of an international, non-native marriage increases. I think I need that native other half to keep me in check. I need it also to teach my kids our culture; the side of me that has been distorted by growing up abroad. However much I tell myself I am internationalised, I am still very much a national of this country.

To be honest. I had ulterior motives to come here. Other than work, I wanted to discover myself. I wanted what I had ignored for so long. I have yet o ahieve those things. That is probably why I will most likely stick around… I am stubborn afterall.

** Day 1 14:30. **

Arrived in Amman. I had a walk around the city without really knowing where to go but I managed to find the tourist info. The guy there kept saying ‘welcome to Jordan’ whenever I said thank you. Anyway, saw the very impressive amphitheatre and gazed up at the citadel on the hill. Ended up walking back to the hotel though. Hungry, tired and I seem to still have hayfever here! Dammit!

Anyways, it’s still like 2pm. Think I’ll take it easy in my room for a bit and then head out a lil later. I’m here again for a while on the last day I think too. Only thing I know of at the moment is the citadel and the new museum that opened.

But yea, can’t get that comment out of my head. Do people say that if they’re kidding? ‘w’ is such a vague thing, difficult to tell if it’s meant to be read as a joke or something uplifting. I keep thinking I should have replied with a better comment than ‘I’ll send you a postcard’, so stupid! I should have said, 「本当にいいのそんなこと言っちゃって？電話しちゃうかもよ」or something equally smooth but yet portraying my gratitude and feeling.

I come half way round the world to sit in my room and tap out the same thoughts I have in Tokyo… I am insane.

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** Day 2 07:08. **

I feel absolutely knackered this morning. My mind is a bit out of it too but my body is aching; i guess it’s the long flight and prob the non-work thing causing all the tension to seep out.

Anyways, met the group yesterday… Well those that had arrived. They seem a nice bunch. Looks like I’ll be the youngest again. If you’re wondering – there wasn’t anyone interesting in that sense. So much for eye candy! I am such a chauvanistic pig – not sure if that’s how you use that word. But yea, seriously have to sort that part of my life out. I really do need to stop with the unreachable and fall for someone obtainable yet just as good. Hmm, that didn’t sound right. You know what i mean though right? No boyfriends, no complications, just plain ole fashioned boy meets girl and magic happens kind of thing!

Back to reality. It’s 7am, today we are heading to Jaresh, or some place starting with J. Going to be an hour drive and then a couple hours of walking around to take in the sights. Yesterday was a start but the real deal starts today! …best get ready, grab breakfast and all that

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** Day 2 21:59. **

Had a fabulous day exploring the exceptionally well preserved Roman ruins at Jaresh. We heard the distinctly Scottish influenced bagpipes of Jordanian music. Walked through the columned colonade and saw amazing theatres.

I was privileged to have lunch with three other girls whose conversation topics ranged from pick ip lines to plastic surgery, accents and underwear. I wad pretty much speechless throughout!

The evening we dined at a place called books@cafe which was an eclectic modern cafe / lounge place with good western food. I had shisha for the first time since graduating uni and let me tell you, it was sooo good. Clean pipes, smooth, silky, deliciously mellowing! Mmm.

Anyway, pretty content to fall asleep now!

One last episode. I had a missed call from home; I was slightly worried as I knew they wouldn’t call as they knew I was abroad. After killing my bank balance with data roaming, I checked my mail to find out that they didn’t know I was away already! My mum got the answer machine and thought the Jordanian Arabic message was Russian! Hilarious!

But yea, tomorrow we head to the Dead Sea! Gawd, wish I hadn’t slackened off with my beer gut and weedy arms! Eugh!

Still thinking…no answers yet though…

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** Day 3 22:27. **

Dead sea. Citadel. Irish pub. Hellish cab ride.

Today was spent mostly relaxing by the dead sea. It was an extraordinary experience to just float on water without effort but i was also very aware that my body was just not used to that feeling with my abdominal muscles tort the entire time.

Anyway, saw a group of young Japanese girls there. It’s strange how in the same way as moths are drawn to flames, people are drawn to other people of similar backgrounds. The funny thing is that I’m not exactly your typical Japanese. I don’t look japanese, I don’t really act it and I definitely wasn’t brought up in that sort of environment. However, I still like Japanese girls. Maybe it’s lower standards in my part, or maybe it’s just that japan has more beautiful women, but I find a lot more eye catching Japanese girls than western women. Having said that my standards are high so in terms of dateable rating they wouldn’t quite hit it.

Anyway, back on track. After the Dead Sea, we had a massive barbecue lunch, which consisted of humus, and other dips with pita bread followed by a wrap style mixed grill. Very tasty!

The citadel was very interesting but what really caught my attention was the view. Although hazy with all the dust, the view over the city was breathtaking. A little rudhed for time but a wonderful experience.

The evening we went into the modern city centre with the shopping colonade lined with western brands such as Zara, Adidas, etc Dinner was a light affair with a wrap at a local Lebanese style fast food joint. The night was rounded off at s smelly smokey Irish pub.

To get to the city centre we took a cab again. This totally pissed me off. Crammed 4 in the back seat with be singled out for slaughter; I had to hang on to the handle above the door and float above the seat as there was literaly no room. I really don’t know why he didn’t just ask for another cab. It’s ridiculous how much money I spent on this trip and he skimps out on these little things. A lot of bad thoughts went through my head during that agonising few minutes.

I don’t know if it’s just coz I was tired or coz I’m no linger used to European beer but the Amstel was difficult to drink. I started missing my Premium Malts. Ah well…

** Day 4. **

Mt Nebo
Church
Wadi Al Mujib Dam
Al Karaj Castle

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** Day 5. **

Petra horseride
Treasury
Tombs
Amphitheatre
Royal tombs
Church
Monastry
View at the End of the world
The great temple
High place of sacrifice
Petra. By Night – candle lit walk to the Treasury

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** Day 6. **

Visitor centre
Wadi rum
Jeep safari
Night walk

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** Day 7. **

Aqaba
Glass boat
Free dinner due to ’slow service’
Mosquitto bitten face

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** Day 8. **

Drive to Amman
Books@cafe

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** Day 9 08:20. **

The last couple of days have been tough physically. After a night un the desert my face and my right hand was littered with mosquito bites. Knowing that I am incredibly alergic to these bites makes me feel incredibly stupid for not using the mosquito net provided . Anyway, that totally sapped my energy, which was not helped when I started throwing up at 3am the following morning. Maybe it’s totally unrelated or maybe it was but having had 10+ bites my body prob was not in the best state. I felt queezy for the entire day yesterday with cold shivers and a feverish temperature; not the nicest way to wrap up my vacation. I just hope it’s not serious and has no lasting affects.

My flight back home is in the afternoon today so I plan to stay in bed until my late checkout – that’s at least another 4 hours before I have to move.

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** The Summary. **

This trip has been an eye-opener to Jordan and the whole Arabic region. This country is probably one of the more liberalised and westernised but it has given me a gear insight into this part of the world. I hope to return to the Middle East at some point in the future.

I had minimal knowledge of this country, the people, or even the places I would be visiting. Part of me is glad I didn’t read up anything as I had no preconceptions; from the bustling city life of Amman to the traditional simple lifestyle of the Bedouins in the depths of the desert, I was moved at every point.

I thought the only highlight before the trip would be Petra but I was very wrong. The jeep ride into the Wadi Rum desert, the spectacular Roman ruins at Jaresh, the strange sensation of floating in the Dead Sea… So many memories.

I can understand the reluctance to visit such a volatile part of the world but from my experience over the past week, i have probably felt a lot safer on this trip than even travelling in the States or South America. Jordan is safe. I really would recommend this place as a destination to visit.

I am bottling up too much stress and frustration lately. I am really on the edge. Seriously, one word, one small motion and I think Iight go insane.

Work is really not as satisfying as it used to be; my Omikuji from the new year and my life don’t seem to match. I do not feel lucky and I do not feel that sticking this out will do any good for me.

My soul and body are overflowing with stress and fatigue. I don’t know if it’s just my state of mind but my heart is going it’s own way. Maybe it’s delusional, and it’s more likely just a channel for my messed up life but these precious rays of light are keeping me going. Small distractions are keeping me grounded.

Valentines is coming up soon. I said that I wished it would hurry up and be March, but in all honesty I just want to be able to enjoy the day without negative emotions – resentment, loneliness and sadness.

Anyway, tonight I had dinner with some friends – Chinese hot pot. It was actually really tasty! It had all sorts of mushrooms, cabbage, herbs and spices. A welcome and much needed distraction from life.

My head is too full.

The escape to ME cannot come sooner. Only a month. I await miracles.

Still dreaming… Scratch that. make that a nightmare.

Life isn’t quite how I imagined it. There’s no glamour, no slow motion sequences, no daredevil stunts; this person’s ain’t in a movie for sure.

You all know I’m not the most talkative of people. My life is a constant frustration of missed opportunities and I-should-have-done-that moments.

Anyway, yesterday we finally had our belated New Year “party”… Or more like dinner with a few friends from work. I had a great time and I feel really lucky to have such good friends. The problem is I can’t hang out with these people all the time; I wish I could but they all have their own lives, right.

I’m going to say it straight out. I need someone to talk to other than my god damn computer and the, admittedly fantabulous, Internet. I apparently have a knack for not saying what I mean or more accurately, withholding the truth.

Resolution: find someone that I can talk to. Find someone that makes my flaws look like qualities. Find life outside of this damn life draining office!

Seriously, I just want to be married and be done with this whole finding your soulmate / love-of-your-life thing! Give me more important challenges to deal with!! This one ain’t so enjoyable!

I Phone

So, I gave in to the masses and got myself the evil procrastination device. It has so many flaws yet the fact that I can surf the net anywhere easily is simply the major draw.

• fiddly keyboard.
• no infrared.
• no RFID
• poor battery life

These are just some of the flaws I’ve encountered over the past few days.

Infrared data transfer is the main way to exchange phone numbers in Japan; without it you’ll be outcast and forgotten. You won’t find many people willing to manually input their details.

The second thing is the RFID; things like the integrated “Suica” (cf Oystercard) and other contactless payment methods is a real minus.

Anyway, I plan to switch my old phone to a diferent network – one with better reception than Softbank. A second phone for calls, Suica and infrared. … Gadgets keep me living.

Home

So, it’s been a few days since I got back from my trip to London. It was only my second trip back since I moved here and as with the previous trip it was a rollercoaster of emotions… a really predictable one at that. Anyway, before the trip I was raring to get back to London – see my parents, see my friends, go to China Town etc etc…. I get there and I’m like “meh, it’s London, nothing different compared to Tokyo right…” – as before, it took me a few days to get back into the spirit of being a Londoner and as soon as I did, I really did not want to leave! Catching up with friends, drinking at the local watering hole, eating Chinese… seriously amazing! Anyway, I fly back to Japan and as soon as I land I start noticing all these annoying little things about the country; All these small things that I had “gotten used to” over the past year just came blaring back at me. Things like in the baggage hall, the constant repetitive PA telling people to fill out their customs forms… the constant repetitive voices of the ground staff reminding us to check the baggage tags to make sure the bags are ours… on tv it’s the constant loudness! I think this country does not know when to shut up.

Anyway, to summarise, I had a fantastic time in London and I keep wishing I had the same atmosphere and social network in Tokyo. Admittedly, that would be difficult considering my history here is eclipsed by that of London. Good friends don’t just appear and great friends are an even rarer thing. Yeah, I think that’s the main thing. It’s not so much I love London, I mean I really do, but it’s more the people I know there.

F1

Actually, today I was watching the F1 Japanese grandprix, it was an exciting race and I enjoyed watching it except for the stupid commentary. The constant reference to Toyota being on their home turf, Button being in his second home (his gf is half Japanese), the Japanese driver that finished last… soo much “patriotism” or what I would just categorise as misplaced enthusiasm. F1 is about the driver not the nationality on his passport. I really don’t care about the driver in last place, and I would prefer referring to the 2nd place as Trulli and not Toyota… it was afterall him in the driver seat.

Signs

Weird thing happened in London. Over the short period I was there… including the short hop to Belgium with my parents… I saw 3 newlywed couples still in their wedding gear… all happy and lovey-dovey. On the gangway to the plane home, HSBC had their usual advertising posters – this time it had photos of marriage with some slogan next to them.

Seriously, disturbing if this was meant to be a sign. If it was, then at least point in the the right direction. You need two people in a wedding! … also, I’m not planning on getting married that near in the future!

Reboot

So, back in Tokyo. I feel I need to reboot my life here. As one of my friends pointed out, I need to be less negative… although that wasn’t exactly referring to my life… time to fight

I knew what today was; I’d been reluctantly counting down the days ever since we hit September. Up to that point it was aiming for that one year landmark of my career. I managed to get through most of the day without making a big deal about it. However, then it all went pear shaped.

Drinks, parties, celebrations? Why would I want to celebrate this. That fateful day turned my whole world upside down. I hate that slogan… but then again, I realised today that it was the biggest shock of my life. I have no regrets choosing the path of leaving on a jet plane and not knowing when I’d head back again. However, so much changed on that day, so much.

No time to settle in, no time to make my mark, the clocked stopped that day. When will it start again?

Ok, I am still employed, I have new friends, I have work and responsibilities, I am experiencing a once in an era event first hand… a clash of cultures, etc, etc, blah blah blah…

Reality is cruel and depressing.

I haven’t written anything in a while. Life has been more than a little hectic the past few weeks and for a variety of reasons, I haven’t had done a full weeks worth of work for the past few weeks.

Anyway, self and family are paramount and thankfully I work under an extremely understanding boss. Times like this, hopefully infrequent, do provide an ideal opportunity for reflection.

The next few weeks, months and years will no doubt define the rest of my life; that’s been true for a while. However, paraphrasing a well known quote, it’s not how you fall, it’s how you land that’s important. These hurdles set surrounding me need to be overcome and priorities need to be reorganised. Though, despite all that, I feel that what was important previously are not unimportant… but need to be looked at in a different light. I still want to excel at work. Learn more, experience more, be more. Also, what needs to be done – just get it done. What needs to be said – just say it. Expectations need to be surpassed.

The fragility of life is reflected in the fragility of emotion, the fragility of self. But, life can also be strength. Time to reflect that…

I have returned from a fantastic vacation in the heart of SE Asia, away from the stresses of “modern life”. The time away from my “regular” routine has given me time to reflect on what’s important in life. The region I travelled through is well known for the widespread poverty. However, seeing and experiencing the locals living through each day with such energy and enjoyment made me realise that poverty does not mean a poor standard of living.

We in “the West” may have got used to computers, chocolate and convenience stores, but we tend to forget that those things are “luxuries”. The trip reminded me that one should really be grateful with the roof over our heads, the food on the table and the clothes on our backs… the only other ingredient in a fulfilling life would be “purpose”.

I was explaining to one of the locals the intricacies of my job; standing in the middle of a rice field in the heart of Cambodia, the whole conversation felt incredibly surreal.

Anyway, it made me wonder about my “purpose” in life – I’ve written entries about “ambition” and “dreams” before, and I think this follows a similar vein. We all have to set goals in life and strive to improve ourselves. I feel, purpose gives us the energy to wake up in the morning and provides the foundations of happiness. I guess “purpose” may not be the right word to describe it, but the combination of ambition, optimism and purpose is essential.

Having realised the shortfalls of our modern society – in my life, as well, as well as those people stuck in poverty – I started wondering what I could do. I mean, I’ve never believed that one man can change the world, but I do firmly believe that one man can make a difference. I think maybe on my next travels, I’d like to try out some volunteer work just to see if my mind is in line with my body. It is easier said than done. Actions speak louder than words. I can throw any idiom at this thought but the truth is, I have no idea what it’d be like until I give it a go. I also know that my conscience has been stirred and I know that I will have to make every effort to not let it slip back into “routine”.

Some people say that seeing the world can change you. I myself have even spoken those words on many an occasion. However, up until now, despite all my travels, I hadn’t truly felt I’d changed. Sometimes I’ve wondered what my place is in this world. Now I know that I can’t just wait for it to find me a place. The people I have crossed paths with over the past week or so, have given me great strength and determination to drive forward.

Despite the tough times we are all going through right now, I hope that each and every one of us can look back on these years with fond memories; I hope that I can look back on this period and say “yes, I stood up”. The world may be crumbling all around us, but it’s not how you fall that matters, it’s how you stand. ….hmm, not that I’ve been crumbling or anything.

I feel I have so much more to say, so much more to share. But, maybe it’s one of those things that you just have to experience yourself. I really do love travelling.

Work

We had an all-hands meeting last week with the head of our division. It was just for our section? / sub-division? … either way, one of the things the boss mentioned was that none of us go to work “because of the nice office”.

After spending a couple of days at the other office, I have realised that the office – location, facilities and atmosphere, are just as important as the people and the work you are doing. In an ideal world, all of the above would be a factor in deciding where to work. However, as the world these days is far ideal, not all of those factors can be taken in to account.

So, on reflection over the past few days, weeks and months, I have come to realise the importance of colleagues, the office and generally having a stable job! But the point of this blog entry is not the fact that I have a job. Far from it.

I actually wanted to talk about the difference in atmosphere between a Japanese office and a ‘Western’ office. Apart from all the physical differences of the office layout – rows of desks vs. cubicals and offices, language – Japanese vs English, and although not quite in the realms of being physical, the number of zeros on the monthly payslip, there’s a whole world of difference in terms of culture.

Japan is still heavily traditional in regards to the workplace. Endless meetings. Constantly printing stuff out. The continous need to get approval for everything. You will not believe some of the hoops we have to jump through day-by-day.

Anyway, it’s definitely a problem with the whole of business in Japan. It needs to not just modernise the technology but the basic concepts / framework / work-practices – call it what you will. Maybe it is just my bias and my internationalised viewpoint.

Hmm, this topic is more difficult to discuss than I would have thought. I think the best way to put it is, as I’ve always said, working in Japan requires a lot more energy than working abroad. Working in Japan means thinking about a lot more than just the work you do. Relationships with your superiors is important anywhere, but it is critical here.

I just hope that I’m able to make an impact in this environment, network with the right people and progress in my career.

Holiday

On the flip-side is that Japan has a lot of national holidays! Today is one of them. It is Showa Day today. We have our bi-annual five day weekend next week. A lot of people, including myself, have taken holiday tomorrow and friday to extend the holiday to a full week. Actually, as I’m taking an extended break, I volunteered for holiday support today, so I’m actually at work today. But yeah, it’s strange how every time I take vacation I feel like I shouldn’t. There is always a fear that I’ll miss something important whilst I’m away. Although the fear of being laid-off has receeded somewhat, there is also a fear of missing an opportunity or not being around to help out with issues/projects. Hmmm…

News

…and now, there’s also this fear of swine…

The fear of death, be it to someone in a far off distant country, to those around you, within your family, or even to yourself, is something that does not sit comfortably for anyone. After recent events, globally and personally, I feel that I may be reaching an age that I will have to face this natural ‘circle of life’ more frequently and more consciously than ever before. Death takes time to sink in. It’s not just the fact that they will no longer be around, or that you will never get a chance to see their face or hear their voice, it’s all of that plus, what that person represents. The number of deaths on the tv screen are not just numbers – each and every digit represents a plethora of lives, emotions and memories. One mustn’t forget that.

Work. Friends. Family. Self. Love. Life. still dreaming…

The past few weeks my parents have been visiting, along with my younger brother it’s been a wonderful family reunion. This last weekend, us brothers went out together. It’s been a while since I last had family around – I mean, that’s not entirely true but it was nice to hang out with them.

Hmm, actually I’m not entirely sure what else to write about. This weekend has been very hectic – the total opposite to my usual relaxing chilled out days/evenings infront of the tv. But yeah, I’ve been told a few times over the past few weeks that they thought I was the youngest out of my brothers – that in itself does not bother me as it means I still look young and that work stresses haven’t aged me too much yet. Not being driven does though… motivationally I might be slightly lacking the skills necessary to expand my social circle and to keep my current friends close. I need to find a way to break out of this shell and not just sit there in the corner.

I have no idea what I’m blabbering about. I’m definitely knackered today.

So, the question is… what are my dreams? what are my ambitions? what am I doing with my life these days? The short interlude of keeping everything around me on hold whilst my family have been here is coming to a close but yeah… early night tonight, so need a good night’s sleep!