I am bottling up too much stress and frustration lately. I am really on the edge. Seriously, one word, one small motion and I think Iight go insane.

Work is really not as satisfying as it used to be; my Omikuji from the new year and my life don’t seem to match. I do not feel lucky and I do not feel that sticking this out will do any good for me.

My soul and body are overflowing with stress and fatigue. I don’t know if it’s just my state of mind but my heart is going it’s own way. Maybe it’s delusional, and it’s more likely just a channel for my messed up life but these precious rays of light are keeping me going. Small distractions are keeping me grounded.

Valentines is coming up soon. I said that I wished it would hurry up and be March, but in all honesty I just want to be able to enjoy the day without negative emotions – resentment, loneliness and sadness.

Anyway, tonight I had dinner with some friends – Chinese hot pot. It was actually really tasty! It had all sorts of mushrooms, cabbage, herbs and spices. A welcome and much needed distraction from life.

My head is too full.

The escape to ME cannot come sooner. Only a month. I await miracles.

Still dreaming… Scratch that. make that a nightmare.

I always feel terrible, absolutely awful afterwards. As well as the expected gaping hole in my life, the feelings always have more than a hint of annoyance at myself. So many things go through my head, so many things that want to be said and so many things that need to be said. Yet they remain unspoken. How can something so wonderful, so warm and so important be this complicated.

Last night I had the Plain White T’s song “Friends Don’t Let Friends Dial Drunk” playing in my head. It’s a great song and there are some good lines in it…one in particular, my mind kept screaming at me. The line got a bit morphed but the jist of it was there. It cut me up and knifed me a million times before I fell asleep.

Anyway, as most of you know I had a party on Saturday. It wasn’t quite one of those parties which turn into everlasting memories that I had built it up to be but I had a fantastic time. So many of my old school friends turned up that I wasn’t expecting. It definitely boosts the confidence when so many friends turn up. You feel loved. But yeah, due to my craziness and idiocy I ended up staying awake for around 40 hours but yeah… more later

Walking back slowly from the station home after an evening out celebrating the end of our finals, a number of thoughts passed through my mind. I have always been a pretty serious minded individual and the things I think about really do reflect that at times; it feels completely different after a few drinks.

I was feeling somewhat jaded after the exam and not really in the mood for drinking but luckily my mood picked up. Anyway, I’ve always found it difficult to comprehend the thoughts and actions taken by others whilst under the influence, and today was no different. I won’t go into the details and swiftly move on to commenting on these thoughts.

I realised again today how amazing this city is. I really do love London. Being born and bred in this great city, it is difficult to imagine living and loving another place. The months I spent in Tokyo last year were definitely a life changing experience but nothing compares to the depth and strengh of attachment I have with this beautiful capital. People talk bout the culture and the people of a place but tonight I saw the beauty of the city itself. Walking down the South Bank, the beauty of this wonderful city was nearly overwhelming.

I leave in mid-August and I’m away for most of July, meaning I only have around 2 months in London. There are so many things I want to do in this city; so many sights to soak up before I depart. I know I’ve talked about this so many times before and no doubt I will again, but it really is a topic so close to my heart. Not many things move me but at times like this I realise…. this city will always be home.