I am bottling up too much stress and frustration lately. I am really on the edge. Seriously, one word, one small motion and I think Iight go insane.

Work is really not as satisfying as it used to be; my Omikuji from the new year and my life don’t seem to match. I do not feel lucky and I do not feel that sticking this out will do any good for me.

My soul and body are overflowing with stress and fatigue. I don’t know if it’s just my state of mind but my heart is going it’s own way. Maybe it’s delusional, and it’s more likely just a channel for my messed up life but these precious rays of light are keeping me going. Small distractions are keeping me grounded.

Valentines is coming up soon. I said that I wished it would hurry up and be March, but in all honesty I just want to be able to enjoy the day without negative emotions – resentment, loneliness and sadness.

Anyway, tonight I had dinner with some friends – Chinese hot pot. It was actually really tasty! It had all sorts of mushrooms, cabbage, herbs and spices. A welcome and much needed distraction from life.

My head is too full.

The escape to ME cannot come sooner. Only a month. I await miracles.

Still dreaming… Scratch that. make that a nightmare.

BBQで上司に説教されて、あの時は全然気にしてなかったんだけど、the more I think about it, the more I wonder… what the hell am I doing? Where is my life going?

I know my blog entries tend to centre around the same topics over and over again. I understand how boring and dull my life must seem to you all. I wish I could write about something more interesting. I wish I could be more positive.

I like to think I used to be an outgoing, happy kid… but to be honest, that happy self probably went into hibernation a long long time ago. 最近は本当に楽しいって思ったのは何度も歩けど、正直those happy times are so shortlived, it scares me. The moment, we 解散, all that happiness slips aways って感じ。超情けないな。

These moments of fragility are so frequent these days, it seriously adds to the never-ending stresses that I seem to create for myself. It’s a vicious circle.

In my life, I like to think that I have priorities… family, friends, work, etc, etc… but then, sometimes I think, what the hell is the point of having priorities if they don’t make me happy. Seriously, I can’t explain this.

Does being a 社会人 mean that conversation revolves around work, weekend plans, romantic happenings (if any), vacation plans… ok, I have no idea what other conversation there is, but life feels a little stale recently. I think I need a little more excitement… nothing crazy, but to be honest, I think I need something that really gets my heart racing.

You know, sometimes when you have that feeling of wanting to let your frustration out by punching something? or maybe, screaming at the top of your voice. The feeling of being trapped in this shell, self created or imposed by the environment I’m in, it’s tiring.

Honestly, I do not regret for a single minute the decision to come over here. I just want to be able to show that my life is just as great, if not better, than everybody that remained in London. At the moment, the only reason for my life being better is, I’m in Tokyo, you lot aren’t. But seriously, that’s shallow… The screaming I want to do… I don’t want it to be about frustration, stresses, etc.. I want it to be about my fantastic life… the awesome things I’m doing…

I’d hoped the past week would kick start something, change something… all the events I went to, all the people I met up with, everything… and nothing. Meeting up with new friends, friends from work, uni friends, old friends from 5-10 years ago…. all of it was fantastic! I really did enjoy seeing everyone. Catching up, shooting the breeze, whatever. I hate to say this, but I want more.

Unsatisfactory.

In Other News

In other news, I bought a new laptop. After 5 years of serving me extremely well, my laptop finally died. Over the years, I’ve made some adjustments like, adding new RAM, remapping my keyboard to work around broken keys, putting up with a dodgy sound system, living with an extremely noisy, most likely loose, fan…. and the final straw… the screen losing all brightness – not completely dark but, so dark that you can just about see the outline of a window.

Anyway, I bought the new studio xps 13. It’s snazzy, yes. But I still miss my old laptop. I mean, after 5 years, I had it set up near perfectly. Shortcuts, applications, settings, etc. I have to redo all of that.

I previously spoke up having near everything backed up online. Admittedly, I started that as I forsaw the day that my laptop would die. However, getting my new laptop I was faced with a difficult choice. After near 4 years working, studying and living on Ubuntu… was I going to install it on my new laptop or not? I mean, study is no more – work is at work, and living? well, living is just the internet, email and the occasional editing of some document. I don’t play games on my laptop these days… programming is mainly limited to work… I’m going to try migrating back to Windows. A heavily modified Windows environment obviously. Trying to integrate as much of the best features of linux into Windows is going to a mighty difficult task, but it’s a challenge I’m going to attempt to tackle. To be honest, being such a new computer, I reckon Ubuntu would still have a few quirks it would need to sort out… plus, the latest release has been full of bugs. In a few months time, either I would have successfully migrated to the cloud, or I’ll be installing the next release of Ubuntu, or maybe 7?

Either way, it looks like it’ll take me a few weeks to get used to this new machine.

Anyway, to all the geeks out there, I’d just like to say…

svn-ing your entire computer has its challenges and is frustrating at times, but it can be worthwhile. Admittedly, it’s near impossible to have compatibility with Windows and Linux on the same repository, plus, I have yet to successfully test this out across multiple machines, but it’s a lot easier than the stupid network drive set up. The damn thing keeps losing connection every time I try to bloody copy a large file and it’s too damn laggy to stream media off!

Finally…

I’m currently in the middle of watching the Robocop: Prime Directives mini tv series. It’s メチャ懐かしい！ I think I’m turning to the past more and more often these days…. so not good.

In similar news… I was talking with a friend about actresses that are our types… we couldn’t really name any recent ones *shock* we realised that we’re old enough to have lived through more than one ‘era’ … are we from the Bullock, Kidman, Aniston, Ryan, Roberts era? Does that era include Portman, Johannson, Jolie, etc? Either way, to have lived through more than one era for anything, be it movies, tv series, politics, music… that is a scary thought!

I had a bit of a shopping spree last week. Kind of retail therapy but not really, as it wasn’t very theraputic… I bought 4 new games:

1. No More Heroes (Wii)
2. Wii Sport Resort (Wii)
3. Pikmin 2 (Wii)
4. InFamous (PS3)

I have yet to play anything other than 1. but I’m really looking forward to inviting some friends round to test out the Motion Plus thing on Resort. Will most likely blog about it once I do. But yeah, No More Heroes is turning out to be pretty interesting.. will review that too soon!

Anyway, last words…

Who the hell reads my blog these days anyway?

I have returned from a fantastic vacation in the heart of SE Asia, away from the stresses of “modern life”. The time away from my “regular” routine has given me time to reflect on what’s important in life. The region I travelled through is well known for the widespread poverty. However, seeing and experiencing the locals living through each day with such energy and enjoyment made me realise that poverty does not mean a poor standard of living.

We in “the West” may have got used to computers, chocolate and convenience stores, but we tend to forget that those things are “luxuries”. The trip reminded me that one should really be grateful with the roof over our heads, the food on the table and the clothes on our backs… the only other ingredient in a fulfilling life would be “purpose”.

I was explaining to one of the locals the intricacies of my job; standing in the middle of a rice field in the heart of Cambodia, the whole conversation felt incredibly surreal.

Anyway, it made me wonder about my “purpose” in life – I’ve written entries about “ambition” and “dreams” before, and I think this follows a similar vein. We all have to set goals in life and strive to improve ourselves. I feel, purpose gives us the energy to wake up in the morning and provides the foundations of happiness. I guess “purpose” may not be the right word to describe it, but the combination of ambition, optimism and purpose is essential.

Having realised the shortfalls of our modern society – in my life, as well, as well as those people stuck in poverty – I started wondering what I could do. I mean, I’ve never believed that one man can change the world, but I do firmly believe that one man can make a difference. I think maybe on my next travels, I’d like to try out some volunteer work just to see if my mind is in line with my body. It is easier said than done. Actions speak louder than words. I can throw any idiom at this thought but the truth is, I have no idea what it’d be like until I give it a go. I also know that my conscience has been stirred and I know that I will have to make every effort to not let it slip back into “routine”.

Some people say that seeing the world can change you. I myself have even spoken those words on many an occasion. However, up until now, despite all my travels, I hadn’t truly felt I’d changed. Sometimes I’ve wondered what my place is in this world. Now I know that I can’t just wait for it to find me a place. The people I have crossed paths with over the past week or so, have given me great strength and determination to drive forward.

Despite the tough times we are all going through right now, I hope that each and every one of us can look back on these years with fond memories; I hope that I can look back on this period and say “yes, I stood up”. The world may be crumbling all around us, but it’s not how you fall that matters, it’s how you stand. ….hmm, not that I’ve been crumbling or anything.

I feel I have so much more to say, so much more to share. But, maybe it’s one of those things that you just have to experience yourself. I really do love travelling.

It’s strange how a day can flip your world upside down. Maybe it’s just one of those days that comes by every once in a while but then again, sometimes those odd days can draw out into a week, or a fortnight.

Last night I was thinking, maybe those dreams you have, that people have, sometimes disappear… will that boat sail away eventually? Am I just becoming too passive with the way things are right now?

I guess with all that uncertainty around me can rattle that inner strength.

It started to make me wonder where home is. I want to go home. Where is home.

I wish I had someone I could call up for a quick drink.

Recently I’ve been obsessively chewing more gum, drinking more coffee, eating more junk snack food…. so can’t be a good sign. seriously, maybe the title of this entry should be “unsprung”

I haven’t really posted recently – from time to time I can think of topics I’d like to blog about but then by the time I actually sit in front of my computer I can’t really remember what I wanted to discuss.

Today, I went skiing again with the usual group. It was actually the first blue-sky skiing trip this season! It was so hot that I actually had to remove a layer before my first run. The flip-side to the sunny, wind-free weather was that the slopes got incredibly icy in the afternoon and also the risk of goggle-tan-lines.

Anyway, near the end I discovered the waves on one of the slopes – a series of consecutive bumps for jumping I guess – they were sooo much fun! I mean, just hitting air on the slopes is exhilarating! But then again, the rest of the course was icy and irregularly bumpy making it difficult to relax and enjoy the incredible weather and scenery.

So yeah, that was my day today.

I also been thinking I really miss my days of travelling. I think I really could do with one of those trips away from it all; I wonder where my next destination could be~

I could lead this entry on to the usual topics of work stress, my career prospects, my stagnant social life, my long term future, my life, my happiness….. but I think I’m all over the place recently. A lot of things need sorting out; I really don’t want to end up in a rut having settled for the status quo.

Some things just don’t feel right at the moment.

It’s been a long week; as work gets busier, life gets simpler. The day to day stresses have morphed from those that will burn me out to those that seem more manageable. Thinking back the hellish week before my vacation, I remember how stressed out I was – honestly, I can’t really explain the reasons behind the manageability.

I think with work as well as with life, it’s the simple fact of being acknowledged. It doesn’t matter how simple the task, all that matters is the people around you appreciating your presence and effort.

In this era of economic uncertainty, the simple fact of having a decent income and decent work to do is something to be thankful for. Admittedly, this doesn’t stop anyone from complaining about everything and anything.

The pursuit of happiness; happiness is sometimes painted as this grand idea but it can really come from the smallest things.

When your heart and your head are in different places, or even the same place, it can be confusing. Man should never give up that pursuit.

You know it’s nearly 6 months since I moved to Japan. Questions such as what I have achieved, what I still need to achieve and all that need answers….

I think life is all about the balance between contemplation and conversation.

I have no idea what I’m talking about.

Let the count down begin

I feel incredibly lost and confused. I wouldn’t say depressed or sad and I don’t really want to put a negative spin on this feeling but it is a complicated mirage of feelings.

Anything and anyone can be misunderstood or misinterpreted and that is definitely the last thing I want.

I went to Hong Kong for a weekend and returned feeling incredibly refreshed but within a few days work stress had returned to critical levels and to add to all the mess in my head, everyone is cross examining my life. To be honest, I really like that people are taking an interest in me, but it has made me consider my situation a lot. Thinking can be incredibly tiring sometimes.

I have walked through a million scenarios over the past god knows how long but the frustrating thing is that none of the scenarios lead anywhere helpful.

I know how it looks. I know how it really is – on my side at least. I know what I want. I just don’t know how to tie all those things together and make it happen.

I realised a few days back that I should be more honest with myself and others. Even after realising how guarded I am over this stuff, it is so difficult to just come out and be open about such things.

I’m not sure what else to say. Some people may say I’m still young. Some people may say that I’m still so pure, innocent or even naive. Sometimes I just wish that someone would just sort things out for me. I seem to be missing some guts.

why why why why why why why why

Ski Season

On a completely different note, we went on a day ski trip last Saturday. The first time I’ve been skiing in over a decade. It was also the first day ski trip, the first trip in Japan and believe it or not, the first ski session in a blizzard! Yes, the entire day there was incredibly blizzardy weather with 8m/s winds and minimal visibility! Considering the super bad weather, I had a lot of fun! The last run was especially fulfilling, for want of a better word, as we were the only people on the slopes at that point. Every run was a battle against the wind and snow though. At times it felt like I could just close my eyes and I could see just as well. It was slightly scary though, sometimes someone would appear out of the blue, or more accurately white, in front of you and you’d have to react quickly to avoid hitting them!

Anyway, more ski sessions coming up, yey!

Guilt

This week has been a hellish week of stress and fatigue.

The work load has suddenly increased substantially and suddenly; the quiet times seem to be over. But that’s the least of my troubles.

I booked some time off, taking a long weekend this weekend. Incredibly bad timing. My manager was definitely not happy about it and was on the verge of telling me to forget it if I hadn’t told him I’d paid for the trip already. Still, it has stressed me out the past week and I have a feeling that I won’t be able to enjoy the vacation as much as I would like with the disapproval of the management hanging over my head.

I’m grateful for now having work to do now, and although it may be slightly stressful at times, it is not nearly as bad as the thought that I can’t happily take this vacation without feeling as if 1. I’m letting the team down, 2. deeply marking my managers impression of me. Seriously, I feel as if I don’t have the right to take vacation or something.

Honestly, I have nothing against the management, and I truly understand the position we’re all in right now. However, I really do need a vacation considering I didn’t take one over the festive season, and I would rather take it without feeling guilty about it!

Anger, frustration, stress and exhaustion. All these feelings are bottled up inside at the moment. It’s strange how a reasonable day can turn so quickly in one moment.

Listening to death metal seems like a perfect cure at the instant you feel that anger but it only adds to the adrenalin pumping through you and does nothing to calm you down.

The root of all this bad feeling? I guess the stress and exhaustion have been due to the excessively tiring week I’ve had. I didn’t have a single night in last week. Ok, admittedly my definition of a night in means going home straight from work and staying in, and doesn’t cover those cases when I pop out for a few hours.

Drive

Driving lessons have eaten up most of my spare time the past couple of weeks. Thankfully I’m now at a point where I can actually take the test and be pretty confident that I’ll pass. However, the one obstacle is the theory. Theory is bad enough when in English, but when it’s in Japanese and is also sufficiently cunning enough to include a large number of trick questions, it doesn’t make it any easier! For the preliminary licence – the one you need to actually take the actual full licence on-road – you need to get 45 out of the 50 True/False questions correct; I did a mock test today – I got 44 out of 50 – fail. I plan on taking it within the week though. I think it’s a lot more guess work, feeling and luck than actually learning some of this stuff. Some of it doesn’t make sense.

Anger

Anyway, the root of my anger and frustration? Yes, you guessed it, my brother. I decided to have some toast as I was hungry. He made a passing comment saying something like “why?”, which he then went on to clarify as asking why I hadn’t asked him if he wanted any. That in itself was annoying enough but then after I commented that there was only 1 slice left, he said that “do you think mum would do that?”, at that point a lot of offensive words went through my head. Mostly focused on the thought that I was not his mother, and also wondering how the hell we were related. I’m not the maid/chef/servant either.

There was another incident yesterday. I invited him to play tennis yesterday. He was patronising and down right rude to my friends. I could tell that he didn’t think much of them, at one point he was “dame-dana”, roughly translating to “not good enough” in terms of their character, personality etc. Incredibly prejudiced and judgemental. Asking what people did at university seems like an acceptable question, right? Not when asked in such a way as to imply that the person spent their whole time studying and was friendless. Unfortunately, our social circles overlap more than I would like, and being in the same industry does not help that, but seriously, never again am I going to invite him to anything.

Actually, whilst I’m ranting about all of this. When I decided to go to the uni I picked, I was really miffed (to put it mildly) that my brother decided to join me there. Spending my entire life trying to break free of standing in his shadow; maybe I cast a bigger shadow now, but his is shadow remains darker, thicker and more choking.

Choke

Smokers – why? I really don’t understand the “habit”/”pastime”. People say that smoking and drinking are on a par. They are wrong. Drinking does not kill those people around you. Smoking does. Drinking does not make everything smell of smoke. Smoking does. The worst thing is that a segregated restaurant in Japan means that there’s just an area for smokers but usually no barrier or separate ventilation. Ban it, dramatically increase the cost or invent something that doesn’t have any impact on everyone/everything around the smoker. Introduce anti-smoking laws. The excuse that smokers have to go outside or will loiter outside the buildings are not valid excuses. These people should be shunned and smoking along with it.

Also, the worst kind of smoker is “the casual/social” smoker. That makes no sense to me.

Then again, my youthful innocence of the past, when I believed that I’d never want to associate myself with any smokers or stop speaking to people if they did, has not stood the test of time. Do I have to learn to accept that Japan is smoking central? Can I refuse to attend an event if I know it’ll be too smoky? Can I politely say “yes” when people ask “do you mind if I smoke?”?

I need a holiday.

I wrote this whole blog entry last night on my phone lying in bed just before falling asleep but it doesn’t seem to have actually saved it.

Anyway, I was pretty low last night; after having had a few drinks with friends and surviving another manic week at work, there really was not much silver in that lining.

I can’t remember exactly what I drivelled on about but I think it went something like this:

I really do need someone who I can talk about everything to without having to worry about their opinions or standings – someone I can totally trust without worrying about confidentiality etc. Even with the “good” news earlier this week, the stress levels just keep on rising. My problems may not be as great or serious as others but they are my problems and to me they are the biggest issues in my life.

I think after I ranted on about how tough life is out here with the lack of social life and people to talk to I then went on to say that I didn’t regret moving out here. I also believe I mentioned that I would probably not change anything even with all the events that have happened. I did wonder though, what the hell I was doing in Tokyo and what I’d achieved over the last month.

Stress sucks!