So, the deal has been officially announced. The mood turned in an instant as the rumours spread like wildfire through the office yesterday. Although I was initially happy and relieved by the news, I now stand at another junction.
With the pressures of the lack of time now having been lifted from my shoulders, and the stresses of not knowing whether I’ll have a job next week, I have been given the opportunity to decide where my future lies.

I told one of my colleagues yesterday that “I didn’t come to Japan to work for a Japanese firm”. A somewhat contradictory statement? possibly. However, as I keep telling myself and those around me, working for a Japanese firm requires you to think about so much more besides work. The culture, etiquette and atmosphere of the office are based around the strict hierarchy of management. However, the situation with this company is somewhat different. Will this reflect the Chinese mantra of “one nation, two systems”? Will we be able to function as an independent entity?

Many people, including family, have said that it might be worth staying – it is a great company after all. A new company means a new contract; we will see what conditions they give and I will have to have a think about it then.

The other deal in the news seems like a move by our biggest competitor to counter the acquisition. The news early yesterday also sees the end of investment banking as we know it. How the world can change in a few short weeks!

Last night was billed by IC as the biggest Summer Ball in London. For me, the Summer Ball was probably the last night I’d see many of my friends. Since receiving the confirmation email for my flight to Japan I’ve felt somewhat unsettled. Unsettled, neither in a good or bad way. Just unsure as to how to feel about all of this. Even though I live for this life changing moments and cherish them deeply when they do happen, it’s never easy to actually go through one; not that I’ve lived a turbulent lifestyle.

On the contrary, I probably have had one of the least turbulent lifestyles imaginable. Looking back over the years, I suppose the major events of my life would include:

• going to Japan for a term and living in Hokkaido when I was 9 or 10
• starting DC life
• ending DC life
• the world tour
• starting uni
• the 6 month summer of last year

and now, ending uni. But, it’s not just ending university. It’s ending the educational part of my life. It’s leaving the London life behind. It’s starting from scratch. It’s scary.

Less than 2 months to go until I leave for Tokyo. Less than a month of experiencing London. Less than a week of the student life.

Having gone to bed last night feeling totally drained I slept in until 11am this morning. A lie in well deserved? I don’t know.

Anyway, the plan for the day was to relax, recuperate and possibly re-motivate myself to do some project work. With less than a week to go until presentation day and a few more days after that until project submission, today really was the one and only day for catching up with some rest. …and rest I did. The day involved relaxing in front of the tv, watching random tv programs, playing some wii and watching the football…. but between all of that I felt the exhaustion still seeping through.

So, a nap was in order… I ended up sleeping from around 3 til 5 again. I think the 40+ hour day over the weekend combined with all the stresses over the past few weeks must have really taken its toll. It’s funny how you don’t notice these things when you’re in the midst of it.

Tomorrow, the stress piles on again…

I submitted my final report today. My dissertation if you will. It was not as dramatic a moment as imagined but I did feel somewhat relieved that it was now done. I have however spent the entire day worried that I might have missed something, or that the report was not actually as well done as I imagined. I also can’t remember whether I proof read it other than at 9am in the morning when I hadn’t slept the previous night. Hmm… guess I may be slightly paranoid.

Anyway, E’s put some photos up on fb of the party the other night. I’m really gutted that more photos weren’t taken. I guess we’ll find out what’s on the single-use cameras. I also don’t recall a single pic of us two in a pic but I do hope there is one. *fingers crossed* Hopefully a load of other people took photos too. I should have had a group photo taken too, hmmm

I am absolutely exhausted today. After the initial elation had worn off and the adrenaline died down my body just turned itself off. I feel slightly bad for falling asleep next to the guys working on their reports but I really did need that power nap.

Hmmm, early night and late morning would be nice!

Some people can bottle this kind of anger, frustration and stress up without venting it. Sometimes I can manage it too but I don’t know if it’s because I wasn’t particularly happy at the time or whatever, but my mood has not improved. Firstly, going out of my way to buy some food for tonight. I wouldn’t have minded if I was asked politely… Returning home, I cooked up some risotto… I felt generous and cooked a lot… Seeing the risotto and heading to the pub… ignored.

The day start off with so much promise this morning…

Why is my life filled with so much stress…

I feel like crap.

Jab

As many of you know I’m heading off to Peru for a couple of weeks in the summer. I’ve been delaying it for weeks but I finally booked an appointment with the nurse to get some vaccinations.

I was looking forward to being vaccinated against a wide range of scary diseases such as yellow fever and the nurse was slightly confused by my descriptions of where I was going. Anyway, once the confusion had cleared, we figured out that I was not going to the “extreme risk” regions of Jungle Peru and I was only given a single jab. The single jab, I believe, was for typhoid and hepA but having no written record of what my left arm is battling at the moment I can’t be 100% sure.

I’m not complaining that I’ve only one dead arm to deal with and nothing more serious, but having been told by the same nurse minutes earlier that it was recommended that I took a whole list of other vaccinations a single jab seemed somewhat an anti-climax! I believe the other vaccinations included rabies, tetanus, tb and diphtheria. Thinking about it now, I’ve probably had all those vaccinations before.

Anyway, you know how nurses and doctors always start up a conversation to try and distract you before injecting you with poison. I found today that it was more a case of the conversation drawing attention to the fact that I was going to have a needle stuck in me in a few minutes. I was perfectly calm and ready for the vaccination before the nurse started yapping about languages and culture! Also, do they really have to hold the needle upright and flick the needle right in front of your face!

Anyway, despite all it’s shortcomings, the NHS is awesome! I can get my drug fix on demand!

The pharmacist at Boots however is another matter. I needed to buy anti-malarial tablets for my trip and requested a couple of different types. The pharmacist decided that because they appeared to have only the one on the shelf, that that would be enough and persuaded me that it was one of those “combination” things. A second opinion at Superdrug proved her wrong…. meaning I need to find a pharmacy where they stock the other malarial tablets I need. Grr…

Project

Bar the couple of months I had exams, I’ve been working on my project intensively for a number of months now. As many of you know I’m working on creating a real-time system to track eye movement. I have yet to find that inspirational technique to create a good solution with all that I’ve been doing lately mainly revolving around tidying bits up and nothing entirely solid. There are numerous approaches out there for tackling this specific problem, but most of these can be written off as they require specialised hardware and a specialised brain for getting your head around the complex algorithms involved. With time rapidly running out I doubt I can implement anything other than the approaches I’ve been working on already.

Anyway, I have regrets in the choices I made for this project but there’s not much I can do about it now. Today I’ve been working on my project. As usual, despite my best efforts, I do end up spending hours on end working around the periphery of the problem and not actually figuring out a solution to the core issue; the core issue being, how best to locate the pupils and the direction of focus. Stress levels continue to remain high these days.

So, maybe you’re wondering what the title is all about? Well, basically, I figured that I should probably test the efficiency of the code I have. The ideal set up should do all processing within 1/15 of a second. That’s roughly 67ms, or 0.067s; I have a 15 frames per second camera. At present, even with most of my complex calculations turned off, and remembering that the code does not produce any correct results, it runs at 1.6 seconds per frame – about 25 times too slowly….

I have a feeling I know where to start looking to fix the issue but it was pretty depressing to realise how bad my code really is. 1.6 seconds was the best result I got today as well. Sucks.

I have been absolutely exhausted the last week or so. I don’t really know whether it’s the tiredness from the exam period still seeping out or the stress from dealing with a project that I have lost all confidence with.

I read an article earlier this weak about Katakori and how it’s a typically Japanese phenomenon. Roughly translated as stiff shoulders, it is the knotting of the muscles along the back of the shoulders just between each shoulder blade. I get it all the time usually due to cold weather and it seems more frequently due to stress. I can usually avoid it by keeping my shoulders warm but once it sets in I haven’t found a suitable cure for it yet. I’ve had the worst spell of it this week. It’s very painful and probably not helping my exhaustion. Anyway, I’ve never heard any non-Japanese mention the condition so I’m quite inclined to believe that it may be have historial cultural roots. Either way, it’s driving me crazy!!

Having travelled through many levels, the Little Hero of this magnificently short story will come face-to-face with his final foe imminently. The Little Hero has faced many foes through his journeys, lost many lives, but fortunately the coins he has collected have kept his mushrooms in stock. His final foe is somewhat stubby and weak looking, but should the Little Hero be swayed by his appearance or be paranoid that this dwarfish advanced species facing him has in fact many hidden dimensions?

He ran so confidently on top of the floating clouds, but now, all the coins have been collected, and his confidence has leaked away. As he falls back down to the lands below, he is scared, paranoid and waves of panic wash over his body. He does not know what awaits him?

Will the final boss really be the final boss? How many lives will it take? Will the fight cost him his super flower power? What if the princess is in another castle? How far can I take this analogy?

Seriously, in the past hour I’ve started panicking like the final exam was actually Net Sec. The panic is not because I don’t understand the course. On the contrary, as far as I can tell, I understand it very clearly. I am just overcome with the pressures of wondering whether this is meant to be this straight forward and the knowledge that however well I know the ins and outs of each topic, everyone else will bound to know it better. The paranoid android within wonders whether he really does know the ins and outs, and whether the exam will throw breathe a few fireballs of its own.

I guess I need to pick up some spare lives and just go for it

Exams

Having revised solidly for the last few days for the exam tomorrow, I can safely say that nothing that anybody can say will make me feel any more better – in fact it will most likely add to the stress.

I know there is not much point arguing about the benefits of examinations at this stage, nor discuss knowledge v.s. understanding but suffice to say I’d rather get this over with…even if the project-work that awaits is just as, if not more, stressful and depressing.

O Brother
My older brother has been in town since Saturday. I’ve barely seen or spoken to him not least because of all the cramming I’ve been doing but also as he’s been pretty much asleep or out 99% of the time. There are a few things that need to be discussed with him, most importantly the living arrangements from August and all that. I guess it will have to wait. He’s off tomorrow though.

Hate
I’ve been handling the exam stress pretty well up until now. I’ve had my doubts pretty much before every exam so far but I’ve got through them knowing that I haven’t failed. I also hoped that with the first week behind me it’d be less painful; I hope that will be more true tomorrow afternoon.

Anyway, stress manifests itself mostly as anger and hate in me. I seem to direct it at various things in my life ranging from people, objects, ideas and brands. I suppose there must be subconscious, or possibly conscious, reasons behind this but I’m not going to mention any of them.

This blog entry has not been as stress relieving as I had hoped. I suppose it didn’t turn out to be the full off rant I had planned.