Life isn’t quite how I imagined it. There’s no glamour, no slow motion sequences, no daredevil stunts; this person’s ain’t in a movie for sure.

You all know I’m not the most talkative of people. My life is a constant frustration of missed opportunities and I-should-have-done-that moments.

Anyway, yesterday we finally had our belated New Year “party”… Or more like dinner with a few friends from work. I had a great time and I feel really lucky to have such good friends. The problem is I can’t hang out with these people all the time; I wish I could but they all have their own lives, right.

I’m going to say it straight out. I need someone to talk to other than my god damn computer and the, admittedly fantabulous, Internet. I apparently have a knack for not saying what I mean or more accurately, withholding the truth.

Resolution: find someone that I can talk to. Find someone that makes my flaws look like qualities. Find life outside of this damn life draining office!

Seriously, I just want to be married and be done with this whole finding your soulmate / love-of-your-life thing! Give me more important challenges to deal with!! This one ain’t so enjoyable!

I Phone

So, I gave in to the masses and got myself the evil procrastination device. It has so many flaws yet the fact that I can surf the net anywhere easily is simply the major draw.

• fiddly keyboard.
• no infrared.
• no RFID
• poor battery life

These are just some of the flaws I’ve encountered over the past few days.

Infrared data transfer is the main way to exchange phone numbers in Japan; without it you’ll be outcast and forgotten. You won’t find many people willing to manually input their details.

The second thing is the RFID; things like the integrated “Suica” (cf Oystercard) and other contactless payment methods is a real minus.

Anyway, I plan to switch my old phone to a diferent network – one with better reception than Softbank. A second phone for calls, Suica and infrared. … Gadgets keep me living.

It’s been a while since my last blog entry. I’ve been trying to keep a low profile lately. My attempts to steer myself towards a less stress filled lifestyle has not really been achieved. On the contrary, the busy days literally and imaginary have made me ill again.

The realisation that I get ill a lot is worrying. I hear a lot of people saying they never get ill, or haven’t been ill for years… I used to think I was one of them. Unfortunately, that’s far beyond the case. I seem to be ill at least a few times a year; sometimes in the form of mild fatigue, sometimes full on fever. On this occasion, I forced this on myself.

Year-end. It’s the time of year when there’s a lot of parties, drinks, events and so forth. This year, it’s also extremely busy work-wise. Admittedly I don’t do that much over-time, but I have had to work 6 days a week a lot lately. Feeling below average is just cannot figure. Denial of the cold weather, denial of feeling a little unwell. Going out with no jacket when the temperature was close to freezing. What started off as a slightly sore throat turned into a chest infection, runny nose and muscle ache.

Anyway, after attempting to recover by taking a half day… I marched in to work on Monday morning… only to be told to go to the clinic, and if I insisted on working, to work from the other office – the one that’s near empty. I was banished. The result of which, I was persuaded to take a day off work. So, along with the national holiday (Emperor’s birthday), I’ve been resting at home for the last couple of days. I have not stepped one foot out of the house, nor have I got out of my pjs. Do I feel better? Maybe. Then again, it’s prob all the drugs I’m on.

The Bounenkai Season

Bounenkai – literally a gathering to forget the past, otherwise known as the year-end party. I held my own bounenkai / christmas / birthday party last week; invited a few friends and booked out a snazzy little bar.

It ended up being a little different to what I imagined; the guest list was mostly made up of friends from work and a few key members weren’t able to attend. I don’t really know what I was expecting. I did have a great time catching up with old friends, and hanging out with workmates outside of the office. …but… something was missing.

I have yet to truly feel the Christmas spirit since I moved here. It’s just so different. No family gathering. No Christmas turkey. No presents under the tree. It’ll be just another day at work.

Now that I’m back from my self-imposes exile. I guess I’ll be writing another post around year-end/new-year. I’ll most likely reflect on a year sprinkled with a few memorable moments and showered with all sorts of lows.

Merry Christmas everyone! I truly wish you have a wonderful festive season!

BBQで上司に説教されて、あの時は全然気にしてなかったんだけど、the more I think about it, the more I wonder… what the hell am I doing? Where is my life going?

I know my blog entries tend to centre around the same topics over and over again. I understand how boring and dull my life must seem to you all. I wish I could write about something more interesting. I wish I could be more positive.

I like to think I used to be an outgoing, happy kid… but to be honest, that happy self probably went into hibernation a long long time ago. 最近は本当に楽しいって思ったのは何度も歩けど、正直those happy times are so shortlived, it scares me. The moment, we 解散, all that happiness slips aways って感じ。超情けないな。

These moments of fragility are so frequent these days, it seriously adds to the never-ending stresses that I seem to create for myself. It’s a vicious circle.

In my life, I like to think that I have priorities… family, friends, work, etc, etc… but then, sometimes I think, what the hell is the point of having priorities if they don’t make me happy. Seriously, I can’t explain this.

Does being a 社会人 mean that conversation revolves around work, weekend plans, romantic happenings (if any), vacation plans… ok, I have no idea what other conversation there is, but life feels a little stale recently. I think I need a little more excitement… nothing crazy, but to be honest, I think I need something that really gets my heart racing.

You know, sometimes when you have that feeling of wanting to let your frustration out by punching something? or maybe, screaming at the top of your voice. The feeling of being trapped in this shell, self created or imposed by the environment I’m in, it’s tiring.

Honestly, I do not regret for a single minute the decision to come over here. I just want to be able to show that my life is just as great, if not better, than everybody that remained in London. At the moment, the only reason for my life being better is, I’m in Tokyo, you lot aren’t. But seriously, that’s shallow… The screaming I want to do… I don’t want it to be about frustration, stresses, etc.. I want it to be about my fantastic life… the awesome things I’m doing…

I’d hoped the past week would kick start something, change something… all the events I went to, all the people I met up with, everything… and nothing. Meeting up with new friends, friends from work, uni friends, old friends from 5-10 years ago…. all of it was fantastic! I really did enjoy seeing everyone. Catching up, shooting the breeze, whatever. I hate to say this, but I want more.

Unsatisfactory.

In Other News

In other news, I bought a new laptop. After 5 years of serving me extremely well, my laptop finally died. Over the years, I’ve made some adjustments like, adding new RAM, remapping my keyboard to work around broken keys, putting up with a dodgy sound system, living with an extremely noisy, most likely loose, fan…. and the final straw… the screen losing all brightness – not completely dark but, so dark that you can just about see the outline of a window.

Anyway, I bought the new studio xps 13. It’s snazzy, yes. But I still miss my old laptop. I mean, after 5 years, I had it set up near perfectly. Shortcuts, applications, settings, etc. I have to redo all of that.

I previously spoke up having near everything backed up online. Admittedly, I started that as I forsaw the day that my laptop would die. However, getting my new laptop I was faced with a difficult choice. After near 4 years working, studying and living on Ubuntu… was I going to install it on my new laptop or not? I mean, study is no more – work is at work, and living? well, living is just the internet, email and the occasional editing of some document. I don’t play games on my laptop these days… programming is mainly limited to work… I’m going to try migrating back to Windows. A heavily modified Windows environment obviously. Trying to integrate as much of the best features of linux into Windows is going to a mighty difficult task, but it’s a challenge I’m going to attempt to tackle. To be honest, being such a new computer, I reckon Ubuntu would still have a few quirks it would need to sort out… plus, the latest release has been full of bugs. In a few months time, either I would have successfully migrated to the cloud, or I’ll be installing the next release of Ubuntu, or maybe 7?

Either way, it looks like it’ll take me a few weeks to get used to this new machine.

Anyway, to all the geeks out there, I’d just like to say…

svn-ing your entire computer has its challenges and is frustrating at times, but it can be worthwhile. Admittedly, it’s near impossible to have compatibility with Windows and Linux on the same repository, plus, I have yet to successfully test this out across multiple machines, but it’s a lot easier than the stupid network drive set up. The damn thing keeps losing connection every time I try to bloody copy a large file and it’s too damn laggy to stream media off!

Finally…

I’m currently in the middle of watching the Robocop: Prime Directives mini tv series. It’s メチャ懐かしい！ I think I’m turning to the past more and more often these days…. so not good.

In similar news… I was talking with a friend about actresses that are our types… we couldn’t really name any recent ones *shock* we realised that we’re old enough to have lived through more than one ‘era’ … are we from the Bullock, Kidman, Aniston, Ryan, Roberts era? Does that era include Portman, Johannson, Jolie, etc? Either way, to have lived through more than one era for anything, be it movies, tv series, politics, music… that is a scary thought!

I had a bit of a shopping spree last week. Kind of retail therapy but not really, as it wasn’t very theraputic… I bought 4 new games:

1. No More Heroes (Wii)
2. Wii Sport Resort (Wii)
3. Pikmin 2 (Wii)
4. InFamous (PS3)

I have yet to play anything other than 1. but I’m really looking forward to inviting some friends round to test out the Motion Plus thing on Resort. Will most likely blog about it once I do. But yeah, No More Heroes is turning out to be pretty interesting.. will review that too soon!

Anyway, last words…

Who the hell reads my blog these days anyway?

Work

We had an all-hands meeting last week with the head of our division. It was just for our section? / sub-division? … either way, one of the things the boss mentioned was that none of us go to work “because of the nice office”.

After spending a couple of days at the other office, I have realised that the office – location, facilities and atmosphere, are just as important as the people and the work you are doing. In an ideal world, all of the above would be a factor in deciding where to work. However, as the world these days is far ideal, not all of those factors can be taken in to account.

So, on reflection over the past few days, weeks and months, I have come to realise the importance of colleagues, the office and generally having a stable job! But the point of this blog entry is not the fact that I have a job. Far from it.

I actually wanted to talk about the difference in atmosphere between a Japanese office and a ‘Western’ office. Apart from all the physical differences of the office layout – rows of desks vs. cubicals and offices, language – Japanese vs English, and although not quite in the realms of being physical, the number of zeros on the monthly payslip, there’s a whole world of difference in terms of culture.

Japan is still heavily traditional in regards to the workplace. Endless meetings. Constantly printing stuff out. The continous need to get approval for everything. You will not believe some of the hoops we have to jump through day-by-day.

Anyway, it’s definitely a problem with the whole of business in Japan. It needs to not just modernise the technology but the basic concepts / framework / work-practices – call it what you will. Maybe it is just my bias and my internationalised viewpoint.

Hmm, this topic is more difficult to discuss than I would have thought. I think the best way to put it is, as I’ve always said, working in Japan requires a lot more energy than working abroad. Working in Japan means thinking about a lot more than just the work you do. Relationships with your superiors is important anywhere, but it is critical here.

I just hope that I’m able to make an impact in this environment, network with the right people and progress in my career.

Holiday

On the flip-side is that Japan has a lot of national holidays! Today is one of them. It is Showa Day today. We have our bi-annual five day weekend next week. A lot of people, including myself, have taken holiday tomorrow and friday to extend the holiday to a full week. Actually, as I’m taking an extended break, I volunteered for holiday support today, so I’m actually at work today. But yeah, it’s strange how every time I take vacation I feel like I shouldn’t. There is always a fear that I’ll miss something important whilst I’m away. Although the fear of being laid-off has receeded somewhat, there is also a fear of missing an opportunity or not being around to help out with issues/projects. Hmmm…

News

…and now, there’s also this fear of swine…

The fear of death, be it to someone in a far off distant country, to those around you, within your family, or even to yourself, is something that does not sit comfortably for anyone. After recent events, globally and personally, I feel that I may be reaching an age that I will have to face this natural ‘circle of life’ more frequently and more consciously than ever before. Death takes time to sink in. It’s not just the fact that they will no longer be around, or that you will never get a chance to see their face or hear their voice, it’s all of that plus, what that person represents. The number of deaths on the tv screen are not just numbers – each and every digit represents a plethora of lives, emotions and memories. One mustn’t forget that.

Work. Friends. Family. Self. Love. Life. still dreaming…

Ski Season

On a completely different note, we went on a day ski trip last Saturday. The first time I’ve been skiing in over a decade. It was also the first day ski trip, the first trip in Japan and believe it or not, the first ski session in a blizzard! Yes, the entire day there was incredibly blizzardy weather with 8m/s winds and minimal visibility! Considering the super bad weather, I had a lot of fun! The last run was especially fulfilling, for want of a better word, as we were the only people on the slopes at that point. Every run was a battle against the wind and snow though. At times it felt like I could just close my eyes and I could see just as well. It was slightly scary though, sometimes someone would appear out of the blue, or more accurately white, in front of you and you’d have to react quickly to avoid hitting them!

Anyway, more ski sessions coming up, yey!

Guilt

This week has been a hellish week of stress and fatigue.

The work load has suddenly increased substantially and suddenly; the quiet times seem to be over. But that’s the least of my troubles.

I booked some time off, taking a long weekend this weekend. Incredibly bad timing. My manager was definitely not happy about it and was on the verge of telling me to forget it if I hadn’t told him I’d paid for the trip already. Still, it has stressed me out the past week and I have a feeling that I won’t be able to enjoy the vacation as much as I would like with the disapproval of the management hanging over my head.

I’m grateful for now having work to do now, and although it may be slightly stressful at times, it is not nearly as bad as the thought that I can’t happily take this vacation without feeling as if 1. I’m letting the team down, 2. deeply marking my managers impression of me. Seriously, I feel as if I don’t have the right to take vacation or something.

Honestly, I have nothing against the management, and I truly understand the position we’re all in right now. However, I really do need a vacation considering I didn’t take one over the festive season, and I would rather take it without feeling guilty about it!

So, I’ve started driving lessons again. Maybe I’ve mentioned this previously already but lessons in Japan take place on a special course off the road. It’s usually an oval circuit with internal chicanes and so forth in the centre. Anyway, I’ve only had my first lesson so far but I’ve found that all the hours I’ve put in back in London have not gone to waste. My body still seems to remember how to start, change gears and control the car. However, the Japanese getting license is a lot more painful than in the UK. You have to first get a provisional license by practising on these off road circuits for a number of hours and then after you’ve got that you can start practising on the roads. Finally, after taking the on-road test, you have to take another course for driving on highways and basic first aid. Within all that there’s the theory test for the provisional and another theory test for the full license. Expensive, time consuming but hopefully worthwhile at the end of it!

Oops, that was a hell of a long paragraph!

Anyway, today was the first time I drank a Japanese favourite, the hot coffee in a can from a vending machine. Unfortunately, the way I imagined I’d be sharing a hot coffee can and my first experience greatly differed. There’s something somewhat romantic about being on a date on a cold day, buying a girl a hot coffee can, warming up your hands whilst talking late into the evening sitting on a bench somewhere. … or something like that.

My granddad told me there are certain things a man must do to truly be whole:

1. Get a drivers license
2. Good money management
3. Photography
4. Be able to use a computer

My brothers view of things to prioritise is as follows:

1. Work
2. Find a girlfriend

My view? Well, I think I respect my grandfather a lot more than my brother, but work and finding a girl cannot be ignored. Ah well, one step at at time!

Having been back in London, my hometown as it were, for the past few days, I feel that I haven’t missed it as much as I thought I would. Yes, there are so many things in London that’s been nice to see or experience again but if I were asked whether I enjoy London or Tokyo more, I really would not be able to say London with 100% confidence anymore. I have changed.

The weather has been a lot colder than I expected it to be. Admittedly, if I had thought about it rationally, I would have realised that 10-15 degrees is mighty cold! Anyway, that plus the rain has put a bit of a dampener on my return!

Having said all that, the one thing I have missed are my friends. Having spent so many years over here it is difficult to replace those social circles or even come anywhere close to matching them in the short few months I’ve lived in Japan. I await the day I have the same level of friends in Tokyo as I do in London.

Anyway, yesterday I popped in to the London office to sync up with the guys over here. It was a strange affair as personally, I’d be the last person I’d want to send on a mission like this. I am the least knowledgeable, least experienced and lowest on the organisational hierarchy. I just hope I have all the information people have asked for and I haven’t let the team down!

However, I did allow myself to dream somewhat, imagining myself as the official go-between for Tokyo and London. Getting the occasional holiday+business trip back to London! It’s nice to be recognised in some way I guess.

On a similar note, I’ve been asked to be the organiser for the L + N new-grad get together. Responsibility can be rewarding at times.

Anyway, you may wonder why I’m online blogging at this time of day; I’m actually wondering myself why I’m here and not out! I seem to have grouped together all my get-togethers meaning my evenings are busy but my daytimes are sooooo empty! Hmm… may be I should sort something out.

Tomorrow is the graduation! Hopefully it won’t be too boring to sit there for hours but very exciting!

Lastly, I’ll leave you with this quote I uncovered, it even has the date I apparently uttered these words! It is refreshingly youthful, energetic and light-hearted, reminding me of my school days!

“I wish people would stop comin online, it gives me no pleasure in blocking them” – 29/5/2003